I'm telling this story to show my brokenness. It is important for me to be transparent, it is important to know that God loves a sinner, this sinner. My faith can be so weak, but He always rescues and redeems.
Saturday we were driving home from California. Our plan was to stop at Zion National Park and go for a hike. I shared with you that anxiety was creeping in, and I really did not want to hike. Not sure what I wanted, but it was not to hike. Mason, however, was just as certain that a hike was exactly what I needed! So we hiked. We had not eaten much, I didn't have much of an appetite. It was late afternoon and we grabbed water and off we went. It was hot. I was grumpy. Off we went. I felt weak, Mason kept pushing. How far are we going? To there... The. Very. Top.
Sure you can. Come on.
I felt so weak. I felt like such a victim. I hate cancer. I can't fight. I'm tired.
Then God showed me this.
I can do this. One step at a time. Don't look at the big picture that is filled with unknowns. Look at today, right now. One step at a time.
I can do this. Climb. Harder. Faster. I have to do this. If I don't make it to the top today, I can't fight cancer. Feeling weak.... Have to push.
Mason is giving out. No! We have to go farther. Mason is getting dizzy. It's past dinner and lunch was a very long time ago.... No! We have to keep pushing. I feel sick, but I can not stop. If I can't do this, I can't fight cancer. We have to keep pushing. Mason sits down. He is dizzy.... Done.
No! I. Have. To. Keep. Going. I sit down about ten feet higher than Mason. He says we have to turn around now. We had a good hike. Meltdown. Full on. I'm hysterical. Crying and hyperventilating. Mason can't even get to me. If I can't do this how can I fight cancer? I can't quit.... Mason tries to reason that he quit, not me. I cry.
Eventually I had exhausted my emotions and went back down the mountain.
You see, I don't have to fight cancer. Jesus will do that. It is not up to me. This is His battle, and He will win. What that victory will look like is not clear to me right now, but He will be victorious. He will be glorified. I love Him and continue to sing His praises. He calms me when I get crazy. He loves me and is with me through the fire. It's okay to get crazy, that crying episode was cleansing for my body. Holding everything in, putting on a brave face is no faith. Letting it go, giving it to Him, crying out for Him in the darkest moments; that is faith.
In the Matthew passage I shared with you, Peter was not the hero. Jesus was. Peter answered the call, he climbed out of the boat. Then he got scared. He cried out to Jesus, and He immediately saved Peter. They climbed into the boat and everyone worshipped Jesus as they realized He is the Son of God. Hallelujah!!!
They didn't celebrate Peter for obeying the call, or even for walking on water. They celebrated Jesus. Apart from Jesus, we are nothing. That is our call, the purpose of our life in this temporary place, to make much of Him.
The initial findings of the endosopy were not good news. So I will wait for the biopsy results. I will persevere through chemotherapy and whatever the next step is. I will look to my Savior, trusting my Father. I will cry out to Him in my weakness, and surrender all to Him. He is my exceedingly great reward. Cancer, and any other evil, cannot steal that from me.
Isaiah 32:17
And the work of righteousness will be peace, and the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment