Hope in Him

I saw the surgeon today and got the results of the detailed pathology report. The news was not good, but, as the doctor says, it was not bad. The breast tissue was filled with cancer. She did get a clean margin, meaning that the chemo moved the cancer back enough that she feels she cleanly removed all of it with the mastectomy. She took 20 lymph-nodes on the right side, four of them had cancer. The sentinal nodes that showed clean in surgery from the left side, she took two, both had cancer cells in them. She feels that the radiation will take care of that, but she will consult with the oncologist, I see him on Monday. This is what they expected, and is the picture they painted to Mason and I from the beginning. My cancer is not curable and they have only ever expected to try to contain it. My prayer and expectation has been for a miracle. Clearly the news was very difficult to hear and I find myself at that strange place of being frustrated at the situation and at my reaction. God is God, He is in control and He desires good for me. I am, once again, in that strange place of knowing He is my only hope but being mad at His decision. His grace is sufficient for each new day and I know He will restore me. For tonight, I am tired and I will turn to Him for rest. Tomorrow is a new day and His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. Lamentations 3:24 "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him.'"

God Glorified...

I am still doing very well. I have taken a little more pain medicine since the "on Q" pump was removed last night, but it has been very manageable and nothing to complain about. I continue to be so moved by all that God is doing. We went to church yesterday! It was such a sweet thing to see the awe of so many people who have been praying as they witnessed answered prayer in living color! The worship was extra special as we offered all our praises up to our wonderful Lord, along side our StoneBridge family who have been so wonderful through this. On Saturday we were talking about what to do on Sunday, I do have four drain tubes and the respective bottles to catch what is draining. It is not a very pleasant site. Jillian said that we could figure out a way to hide them, but that the church deserved to see all that God is doing! So I put on jeans and one of Mason's dress shirts, Mason attached the drain tube ensemble to the 'on Q' ensemble, I threw on a shawl, grabbed lots of tissues, and off we went. God was indeed glorified! I was thinking today of all He has done, of all that He has brought me through, of His grace and mercy that have been so freely poured on me and my family. I am very private, I know that doesn't seem possible, but I am. To go to church carrying all that I did is amazing in itself. I really was afraid I may offend someone. Today I stood in front of the mirror as I prepared to shower. I don't like what I see, this is such an invasive disease, yet I am not freaking out. I have peace, just as I did on the way to the surgery and in pre-op. To take a shower, Mason has to stand outside of the shower holding all of my attachments. I keep thinking that one day I will have hair again and will hopefully look less alienesque! Perspective, that word has come up a lot over these last few months! I know that I have quite a road ahead of me, and there will be good days and bad days. I know the enemy will try to steal my peace as he tries to tell me I am a freak, but I know that God will protect me, my Savior will carry me, and the Holy Spirit will empower me as I rest in Him. I received a card in the mail today, providentially, that showed the names of God. As I continue on this journey I am reminded that my God is all things. Tonight He is Jehovah-Nissi, battle fighter; Jehovah-Rophe, healer; Jehovah-Shalom, giver of peace. To Him be the glory. Isaiah 26:8 "Yes, in the way of Your judgments, O Lord, we have waited for You; the desire of our soul is for Your name and for the remembrance of You."

Home!

I am writing this from our family room! Less than 24 hours after my surgery was complete, I am home! I am overwhelmed by the love and mercy of my awesome God. I am feeling very well, I have an 'onQ' pump, it is keeping the site numbed and I am not really taking much pain medicine. Took some at about 4:30 this morning really to help me sleep. I will do the same tonight. Maybe when this pump runs out I will experience more discomfort, but somehow I doubt it! Thank you all so very much for your prayers, love, and encouragements. Mason and I, as well as Jillian, Mason Thomas, Alex, and Madi, have all felt the powerful love of our God. We are touched by the attention He has given to us throughout this journey, and especially this week. I am so very thankful for the miracle of the preliminary lab report, for the incredible way I feel right now, and for being home with my family. We are trusting that the extensive lab report will also show the miraculous healing power of our loving God. Please continue to pray with us for my complete healing and for peace for all of us, but, for today, please join us as we praise Him for all that He has done. Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.

God's good work...

Hi Everyone,

This blog is coming to you today from a different perspective. It is a collaborative effort between two of Vicki's daughters: Jillian and Madi. We are sitting here in mom's room at the hospital, talking to a very alert, yet very tired patient! Her surgery took about 4 hours and went really well! They did not have to take any lymph-nodes from her left side! yay God!!! The doctors also said that what they removed looked as expected, scarred from where the chemo had killed any cancer cells, but that upon first glance they (the 'nodes') seem to be cancer free. We will know for sure in a week or so, but this is very exciting news!

We arrived at the hospital this morning at 6am for registration and she was taken back for prep at 6:30am. It has been a very long day for all of us but sitting here in the room with her, we are reminded that one day of restless waiting is well worth it to be talking to a "healthy" mom! Yes, I didn't mistype... both her anesthesiologist and surgeon used that exact word, healthy! What an amazing God we have! Our mother has been through six chemo treatments and now a major surgery and she is considered healthy!

Dad suggested we title this blog "halfway there" ... seeing as how we still don't have a title (don't worry, there will be one by the time we post), I guess that will be the working title. In a sense, its very fitting. The chemo was part one, this surgery is part two, the radiation is the next step, and the final and closing chapter will be the reconstruction process. It reminds me of the promise God makes to complete the work that he begins in us. I believe this is definitely a work... I know that it hasn't always seemed like a "good work" but it has brought us together as a family (especially since we are spread out across the entire eastern half of the country), shown us the power of our Creator in a way that was inescapable, and made us rely fully on His grace to get us, HER, through this battle. He has provided not only His perfect healing hand and guidance for all of her doctors, but He's given her an army of prayer warriors boldly asking for her healing. We as her family have felt the strength and peace of Christ's body of believers as they embrace us through prayer from all over the country! Prayer is such an amazing thing and to quote our mom "I will never say, 'all I can do is pray'" because we know that it is more powerful than fathomable.

You all should know that as we've sat here writing this blog, mom has been falling in and out of sleep. She's looking so good! Making jokes when she's awake, lightly snoring when she's catchin' some zzzz's.... She is smiling and laughing and we are so happy to be sitting here in this little room to laugh and smile with her. From the mouth of the patient herself, "Good news today, Praise God! and, THANK YOU ALL FOR THE PRAYERS!"

Tomorrow...

Psalm 20

May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high!
May He send you help from the sanctuary
And support you from Zion!
May He remember all your meal offerings
And find your burnt offering acceptable!

May He grant you your heart's desire
And fulfill all your counsel!
We will sing for joy over your victory,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners.
May the Lord fulfill all your petitions.

Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.
Some boast in chariots and some in horses,
But we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God.
They have bowed down and fallen,
But we have risen and stood upright.
Save, O Lord;
May the King answer us in the day we call.

Thank you for your love and prayers as we trust Him with all our tomorrows!

Argh...

It has been a very busy week and I have been on quite a mental and spiritual treadmill. I say that because I have gone on a journey that has returned me to where I began on Monday morning. The news has basically been good, at least not bad, but I seem to have to keep processing the same thing over and over. The appointment with the oncologist was on Monday. The CT scan shows the cancer on the bones to be stable, which is the best we can ask for at this time. If the cancer was killed instantly, it will show for about a year; much like a bone has to recover from a fracture, it has to recover from the damage of the cancer after the cancer is destroyed. He said that in his judgement I should have the surgery as planned. This is truly an answer to prayer, it gave confirmation to Mason and gave us unity as we go into surgery next week. I guess what set me off, and honestly I really don't know, irrationality is difficult to explain, is the reality that the doctor expects the cancer to come back somewhere. It is in my blood so it is difficult to contain. I said that it could never come back, and he said that was true. Not what he is expecting. Then doubt entered and fear was right behind. Then I was mad at myself for doubting God and His power and goodness. Then guilt. You see where I am going and why the title of this blog. I am thankful that I serve a gracious God who is patient, who loves me perfectly, and never lets go of me even when I am weak and bratty. A friend had given me a massage as a gift that just happened to be later that day. This was a school that was having clinicals for their students, and the student who did my massage just so happened to be a nurse and a breast cancer survivor! She shared her story and later told me that I am very healthy, my skin and my color, I am very healthy. What a nice thing for God to do for me in my weakness. How can I doubt His love when He is ALWAYS so tender with me. Tuesday I saw the surgeon for my pre-op visit and she was very encouraging. She presented my case at a convention and all agreed that I should have the surgery. She was surprised by this, conventional wisdom is that stage 4 cancer is such a high risk for a return in another area of the body that it does not warrant putting the patient through a surgery that can do nothing to prevent such a spread. In my case, however, the response of the cancer to the chemo has been incredible; thereby recommending the surgery to go ahead and remove the source. A friend told me this week that I am surrounded by God everyday, but when I go to the doctor they do not invite God in. God can whisper this cancer away, He can certainly destroy it through the medicine. Whether the doctors acknowledge His miracles or not, His power is real, His goodness is real, and His healing miracles are real. Mason and I are back where we began, able to laugh and trusting in our wonderful Savior. He was telling me a story today about someone whose girl friend is a couple of months ahead of me on her breast cancer journey. I reminded him that she was not lucky like me to have this weird cancer and stage 4; he reminded me that because my case is so hopeless, God will get all the glory. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not a hero of faith. I am weak and broken, and I am utterly dependent on a loving God. Because I am so very hopeless, God will get all of the glory as I persevere in this trial. As I place my trust in Him, I am made strong in Him. Please pray for me as I fight this spiritual and physical battle, that I will trust God and yield to Him. We are boldly asking God to let the pathology report from my surgery come back showing absolutely no cancer remaining; please boldly pray with us. Please pray that God is glorified in every aspect of this trial. Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."