Today We're Wearing Hats!

"Today we're wearing hats!" was the caption Madi put with this picture on Instagram Wednesday.  We had spent the morning shaving my head and then getting dolled up for the reveal of my hat purchase and a matinee! She jumped in the car with her hat on and said "Okay, Mom.  Here we go!" Then she snapped this picture!

I kept thinking of God's command to honor our father and mother....  It means so many things, depending on our individual circumstances and God's call to us.  My mom had Alzheimer's, my call was different than my children's or even of each of my siblings.  God's call is always personal and unique.  We often want a basic instruction, I call it "The easy button"! God doesn't work that way, He is bigger and more personal than that.  Each of my children have lived out that command in different and special ways.  When your mom has cancer, sometimes the caregiver comes sooner than one would expect.  My kids have all been supportive and encouraging.  I have received text messages and phone calls of I love you's, how are you feeling?' and scripture.  I am blessed beyond measure!!!!

I must confess to feeling a little overwhelmed at the reality of losing my hair, again.  Chemo, again.  Cancer, again.  There was the beginning of a pity party; God....Why?  Then I saw my beautiful daunter in the mirror.  Gently concentrating on the task at hand, with that ever present smile of hers!  All grown up, honoring her mother in a very special and intimate way.  How can I whine when God always gives me gentle reminders of His presence as well as His attention to every detail?  Like me, Madi could have had a pity party.  Shaving your mother's head is above and beyond, isn't it?  But that's the beauty of serving this amazing God.  He calls us such a high calling.  Higher than we could ever go on our own.  So high that we fall on our knees, utterly dependent on Him.  Oh the unspeakable joy that is found in that place!  Being stretched beyond our limits, trusting Him for the victory!

David Crowder has a song that is so special to me called "How He Loves".  One of the lines, as he sings of God's powerful love for us cries out, "All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory.  And I realize just how beautiful He is and how great His affections are for me...." God's love is perfect, and as powerful as love has to be from our perfect Creator, THE Creator!  It is a love that refines and sanctifies.  It is a love that expects much because it wants our best to shine in His glory.  It is a love that, while often tough and always overwhelming, brings unspeakable joy!  It is a love that I am so grateful for and so humbled by.  It is a love that makes me forget I have cancer and reminds me that He has this!  It is a love that allows Madi to smile as she shaves her mothers head.  He has my kids as He stretches and strengthens them.  He puts smiles in the middle of trials!

Last night we had a black tie event.  New dress, old wig!  I dug out the wig, washed and fluffed it.  I got all ready to go, and of course, I thought I looked hideous.  It looks like a wig.  I look like a cancer patient.  More whining.  Then Mason walked in.  His face lit up and he told me I was beautiful.  And he meant it!  Blessings beyond measure....  I felt beautiful the entire evening!

Then Mason told me he wants me to style my hair exactly like the wig when It grows back.  But that is for another post on another day!!!

There is always joy in the battle.  Trust Him.  Gaze on Him. May He become so big that you forget your afflictions!

Psalm 16:5,6 (ESV)
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

Don't Miss God's Glory!

Sunday we went for a short hike, we had guests coming for dinner so we didn't have a lot of time, and in my defense, it was one mile straight up!  This particular hike reminded me a lot of North Carolina.  Thick trees and no rock walls!  I found myself concentrating so hard on the path, lots of tree roots and rock, plus the occasional pile of moose poop, that I forgot to look up and take in the beautiful surroundings!  When we concentrate so much on right now, getting through whatever is before us, we can miss God, His glory, His miracles, His provision.

We walked along a Creek.  But we could only hear the creek, it was difficult to see.  The harshness of winter had caused many trees to fall.  The creek was covered with debris, but we knew it was there.  We could hear it, and if we stopped and looked through the debris, we could see it.  As I walked, again, if I was so focused on not tripping, on completing my task promptly and injury free, I lost the peaceful, soothing sounds of the creek.  (Yep, there really is a creek under all that chaos!)


God's glory is all around.  Miracles are happening everyday and in many ways.  My cancer story is full of miracles.  God carried this terrified child through her worst nightmares as He built my faith and removed dross.  He had a different end than I could imagine.  I thought there was no way I would have seen many more Christmas', college graduations of my children, their weddings, and so much more.  Mason Thomas is a fighter pilot, and I got to pin on his wings! And I'm not worried or scared! I have a wonderful son-in-law because cancer gave my stubborn daughter clear vision! Allie has such a heart for the children she teaches.  She has no desire to be any where else, as she understands how precious a touch of love can be to change a life! All four of our children trusted God through that first journey and all six of them are today! That is such a miracle!  I never dreamed of a sixteen year old girl, just coming out of a very traumatic year, having the faith to obediently launch Ghana Rock; nor the blessing of falling so in love with the children enslaved on that lake and the people who have given their lives to "rescue the widows and orphans".  I have seen His glory, I know that one day EVERY child on Lake Volta will be free!  Free from slavery, free from the bondage of sin, free to tell the story of his/her rescue, redemption, and revival!  He has been glorified through a journey of cancer and bad news.  He continues to be.  Miracle healing and protection.  Rescue from a negligent doctor.  Victory over fear.  Peace that passes all understanding.  God is glorified in good and dark, only He can take the devastation of cancer and bring forth beautiful fruit and blessings.  You just have to look!

His glory shines in the victory of forgiving what many see as the unforgivable.  If I only share the victory, without sharing the struggle and the process, then I look like a hero and God is not glorified.  I share the struggle and the process of forgiving to tell His story.  His tender love that rescues and restores.  His grace that is all sufficient.  His mercies that are new every morning, that means unending!  Only when I look to Jesus, pour myself into His word, cry out to Him in prayer, remember all that He has done for me; loving the unlovely, only then, can I forgive.  I can forgive because I have seen His glory and my unworthiness.  I can forgive because He calls me to, and He equips me for whatever He calls me to.  I can forgive as I rest in Him.

No matter your trial, whatever you're facing, God is in the middle of it, and He cares.  Are you an exhausted mother, of preschoolers or teens?  Are you in a difficult marriage?  Are you wanting desperately to be married and God hasn't shown you that chosen someone?  Or maybe infertility, financial trouble, or fear of your lack of plans for your next chapter?  Is it your child who has wandered from the Lord?  Parents or family members you have prayed for without ceasing and God seems silent?  Your health or the health of a loved one?  The loss of loved ones?  None of it is bigger than God!!!  All of it can be brought to Him and laid at the foot of the cross.  He does not promise us perfectly happy lives.  He promises trouble in this world, but peace in Him.  Look up, hold your head high.  Don't miss His glory!

John 16:33
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world"

FORGIVENESS?!? Ok, fine.....

Really God???? I have to deal with forgiveness AND cancer??? Why???

Isaiah 53:5(ESV)
But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities, upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.  
That's what He did for me, to bring me forgiveness and healing.  To restore me to my Father.  How can I receive such amazing grace and withhold forgiveness?

The biopsy results on my stomach came back.  There is breast cancer in the mucous of my stomach.  My doctor in Charlotte has been very careless.  I was going through all these routine scans while he was watching the cancer silently grow.  I don't understand....  While I'm not surprised, the doctor here expected this, I must confess that I am shaken.  So now I do what I can.  I run to my Savior.  I claim the promises of my Father.  I seek the comfort of the Comforter.  God is sovereign.  Nothing has come to me without first being sifted through His hands.

When I am in my brat mode and want to question God, always because I don't like what He is calling me to, I tend to fill my head with worship music.  It is good to remember Who God is.  I become small.  So do my problems.  I also go to Job, beginning in chapter 38.  It works every time to humble me and restore the joy of my salvation as I am reminded of my powerful Creator.  I can do no other, when I think of the creation and the details of this intricate design that is so perfectly planned.  ALWAYS, my response is as Job's.

Job 42:1-6 (ESV)
Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to Me.' I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

As I seek His face, run to Him for strength and comfort, the reality of my purpose and His majesty always humbles me and calms.

Isaiah 55:9 (ESV)
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

I'm going to say this only once, and then I'm confidently moving on.  If my call is that victory over cancer comes by Him calling me him, I trust Him.  Paul says "to live is Christ, to die is gain."  Amen! I am here to serve Jesus.  I have the unexplainable privilege of participating in building His Kingdom, THE Kingdom.  Not because He needs me, but because He chooses to use me.  Wow!!! When my work is done here, when His work in me is complete, in this tiny blip of my life, I will go home and finally see my Savior face to face.  His grace is sufficient to allow me to reflect His glory in every situation, just as He will for my children and Mason.

I believe, with all my heart, that God brought us out here to save me.  He pushed me into getting a doctor out here.  Even when I did that, I was still clinging to Dr L, I wanted safe and familiar.  God pushed me until I let, begged, the new doctor to really look at my case.  I believe He did all of these things to heal me.  That's what I am expectantly asking for.  In the mean time, I will continue to hold on the Him through this storm, as I tell His story.

I will forgive Dr L, because how can I do otherwise?  Forgiveness is freeing to the forgiver.  That does not mean that it is always easy.  How could I experience such life giving love, yet hold on to bitterness, horde grace, and refuse to forgive?  I will forgive Dr L because His grace is sufficient.  If I have to ask for that grace to forgive every morning, He will be there with me, equipping and empowering.

Lamentations 3:22-24 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

So.... Please join me in this battle.  Please pray for God to save Dr L, that He gives him eyes to see and ears to hear.  Please pray that Mason and I will be wise as we fire him.  My desire is that his complacency does not hurt any other patients.  Please pray that God destroys EVERY bit of cancer in my body.  He can, through a whisper or through medicine.  And please pray that God is glorified in my life and this journey.

I Gained Weight!!!!!

Yep.  I gained weight and we are celebrating!  Last week I was at the same weight as when I finished everything.
chemo, surgery, and radiation.  Everything.  My stomach is a mess, but that is what made me push the doctors to search for what was wrong.  I lost a lot of weight through April and May.  But today, I celebrate weight gain.  In the middle of chemotherapy. I. Gained. Weight. God is Healer!!!

Perspective is a funny thing.  Mason and I giggled a little as we high-fived weight gain and a lower blood pressure!  We giggled as we made plans for a black-tie affair we have next week.  What will my hair style be?  Will I still have hair?  Do I don the wig?  It was suggested today that perhaps I should sport a studded headdress....  Hmmmm....  Conversations and laughter can always be a part of your day, even in the craziness of cancer.  Perspective.  God makes all things possible.

My brother-in-law lost his mom today.  But his perspective has made him able to praise our amazing God that she trusted in Jesus and that death is neither scary nor the end.  For her or him.  Perspective.  Death is hard.  It was not God's plan for us.  But God gave us free will, and we chose poorly.  So we have death in this world.  But Jesus overcame the world, and defeated death! Hallelujah!!!  One day, there will be no cancer.  There will be no beautiful women donning unusual headpieces because cancer stole their shining hair that God so precisely placed on their carefully formed heads.  Every tear will be wiped away, and all will be righted.  A new heaven and a new earth, redeemed and just as it was before the fall!

Until then, we have Jesus.  We have the Holy Spirit. We have beautiful sunsets and glorious mountains.  We have the hope of more than this and the comfort of that hope.  We can have peace, even in this fallen world.  As a good Presbyterian I know the answer to the question "What is the chief end of man?"  The chief end of man is to GLORIFY God and ENJOY Him forever.  Perspective.  There can always be joy when we know Christ.

Revelation 21:1-5a
Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first earth had passed away.  Also there was no more sea.  Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people.  God Himself will be with them and be their God.  And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying.  There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."

Amen!

I Bought A Hat!

This is kind of a big deal.  I think of the private battle I had almost five years ago over losing my hair and I rejoice today that I bought a hat! All by myself. No tears. No fears. No pity party. I bought a hat.

The last time it took Mason, Madi, and two of my very patient girlfriends. I very begrudgingly bought a wig in anticipation of the inevitable.  Mason and Madi worked hard to make it fun.  Mason discovered that God made a good decision (like He could do otherwise!) when He made me a redhead.  Okay, it was kind of fun... We tried on all kinds of wigs.  I smiled and put on a happy face, but I resented the reality that I was going to lose my hair.  I resented the reality of chemotherapy. I resented the reality of surgery. I resented the reality of cancer.

I called on a couple of friends to come and help me with the final decision.  It was not fun, and the darkness sure worked hard to discourage me.  I needed God's army of saints, once again, to hold my hand and drag me through a necessary process.  No joy.  Only duty and obedience.

The first day I  pulled out a handful of hair, Mason's response, with a big grin, was "Let's go buy hats!"  We did.  Nine of them.  He made it as fun as he could with this hesitant partner.  Again, I put on a happy face and tried to make the best of things.

That was good, that I tried to make the best of things.  I persevered, begged God for peace, and took one step at a time.  God was so merciful and gracious as He used His army to bring me around.  Some of my most precious memories in my marriage are from those shopping sprees and Mason shaving my head.  Funny how God does that!

But God wants, He deserves, more.  He asks for me to count it all joy.  He asks me to trust Him. Fully.  He is worthy.  Worthy of so much more than I could ever give.  Yet all He asks of me is to give Him the best I have and the best I am.  He wants all of me.  Joyfully and willingly.  Why wouldn't He?

Today I know Him better.  I have seen His glory in great and powerful ways, and I am leaning on Him.  Fully.  I take comfort in knowing that so many prayers are being lifted on my behalf.  I love the way my children are encouraging me as they trust their Savior with their fears and my healing.  I am thankful for Mason and that I have such an amazing and supportive partner in this battle and life journey.  God has been, and continues to be, so very good to me.

I am especially thankful that God is more than enough for me.  I am thankful that He is my exceedingly great reward, and that He has planted that in my heart.  I am thankful that He is my Strong-tower.  You see, if I am going to tell His story, I have to fully trust in Him.  He has to be my refuge and strength.  I love how He used the body to bring me closer to Him.  I love how He has called the body today to lift me in prayer and send me words of encouragement.  I also love how He used that dark time and these crazy last few months to remove the dross of fear and refine me for this battle.  It has to be Him.  And it is.  I, joyfully, bought a hat!

Psalm 18:31-32
For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

This Is Who I Know

Sorry to be so late with this. Today went very well, I feel great and had no allergic or adverse reaction to the chemo! Praising my Father for that! Today the hospital and Huntsman Cancer Institute launched a new computer system for both facilities in full. Needless to say, they had problems.  My two hour infusion turned into six... When we finally got labs, drugs, and poison, all went according to plans!

I had a great weekend.  We hiked and did things around the house. I have such peace and calm, I'm not even sure how to handle it.  I'm a worrier, I think God is winning on this sanctification promise! I know we have a long road, and I'm sure there will be battles along the way.  I feel ready, and I know God will sustain me.  I love the book of Isaiah. There are so many treasures that come from it. This weekend I spent a lot of time just looking at God, remembering all He has done, who He is. I have a Savior who is personal, real, and knows intimately everything I am feeling. He has walked this earth perfectly so He could be compassionate toward you and me. Does that register? Amazing love, how can it be, that You, my King would die for me????

So, today as I sat at the infusion center with a beautiful view, I went through Isaiah and wrote down some things I know about God from these passages. There were too many to list, I tried! Read the book, trust me! Here is a list I made from my mini study as a cancer patient today. I hope you are braver, more confident, and inspired as you go through it. READ ISAIAH!!!!!

My God is....

Forgiving Savior
                   though my sins are as scarlet;
                   I am washed white as snow by the blood of the Lamb!
Holy, Holy, Holy                                        
Righteous Judge
Glorious                                                      
King of Kings
Wonderful Counselor                                  
Lord of Lords
Mighty God                                                  
Everlasting Joy
Eternal Father                                              
Creator of Heaven and Earth                                  
Prince of Peace                                            
Alpha and Omega
Comforter                                                    
Jealous
Trustworthy                                                  
THE God
Exalted                                                          
My Redeemer
Faithful                                                          
Humble
Sovereign                                                      
Love
Defender of the helpless                                
Merciful
My Refuge                                                    
The God of Angel Armies
My Everlasting Rock                                    
Ever Present
Steadfast                                                        
Healer
Gracious                                                        
Compassionate
Giver and Sustainer of Life                            
Kind

And so much more....


 

Preparing For Battle

Okay, so the news today was not great...

The cancer seems to have spread. The biopsy from the endoscopy was not ready today, but the doctor is certain it is cancer.  The scans have all been"inconclusive", but the pattern of what lobular breast cancer does is apparent. The doctor said that the biopsy results will not change his prescribed course of treatment either way. So, here we go again.  Ready for battle.  I will have twelve treatments, one a week for twelve weeks.  I will see the doctor every three weeks, and have a ct scan every three months. If all is well, then I will continue with hormone therapy, just with a different drug.

I'm asking for prayer.  Prayer that the cancer responds to the chemo. Prayer that I do not experience any adverse side effects. Prayer that I remain strong and able to take every treatment on time. Prayer for my children. I know it seems strange to call them children, but they are precious to me and their mother is ill. Please pray that they trust in the amazing God that they serve, that they never doubt His sovereign presence and His faithful love. Prayer that I am a willing servant, a broken vessel for His good purposes. Prayer that He is glorified in every step of this process. My joy and peace are from Him. My strength is from Him. He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.

I want to talk about the elephant in the room.  I am very frustrated that my doctor in Charlotte let this go so far. Mason said we are to be thankful that God brought us out here and gave me issues that caused me to persevere and seek the doctor here. My sister told me that it is a gift that I have been in this beautiful place and seen His glory so vividly for these last several months. I know Him more and trust Him more deeply. I am thankful that while I am frustrated, I am not angry.  None of this is a surprise to my Father, and I have a Savior battling for me. I will trust Him, no matter how confused or dazed I may have felt this afternoon. He is faithful, He is everything. Cancer doesn't change that.

Today as  I was driving in to Salt Lake City for my appointment I was playing the Passion cd "Take It All". It put my focus on my King and off of my circumstances.  Another gift that the cd has come out during this crazy few weeks! One song on there brought me to my knees and reminded me of what matters.

At The Cross (Love Ran Red)

There is a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There's a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down

At the cross, at the cross
I surrender my life
I'm in awe of You
I'm in awe of You

Where Your love ran red
And my sin washed white
I owe all to You
I owe all to you, Jesus

There's a place where sin and shame are powerless
Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down

Here
My hope is found
Here
On Holy ground
Here I bow down
Here I bow down

Here
Arms open wide
Here
Arms open wide
Here
You saved my life

Here I bow down
Here I bow down

So thankful for peace that passes all understanding. So thankful for a Savior Who is real and personal.  So thankful that there is more than this. So thankful that I do not battle alone.

I leave tonight with a verse that God gave me the first day the doctor found the mass in my abdomen. He is always here...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

And in Him, I can.

Meltdown On The Mountain

I'm telling this story to show my brokenness. It is important for me to be transparent, it is important to know that God loves a sinner, this sinner. My faith can be so weak, but He always rescues and redeems. 

Saturday we were driving home from California. Our plan was to stop at Zion National Park and go for a hike. I shared with you that anxiety was creeping in, and I really did not want to hike. Not sure what I wanted, but it was not to hike. Mason, however, was just as certain that a hike was exactly what I needed!  So we hiked.  We had not eaten much, I didn't have much of an appetite.  It was late afternoon and we grabbed water and off we went. It was hot. I was grumpy. Off we went. I felt weak, Mason kept pushing. How far are we going? To there...  The. Very. Top.

What?!!!! I can't. Mason, I can't. 
Sure you can. Come on. 

I felt so weak. I felt like such a victim. I hate cancer. I can't fight. I'm tired. 

Then God showed me this.

I can do this. One step at a time. Don't look at the big picture that is filled with unknowns. Look at today, right now. One step at a time. 

I can do this. Climb. Harder. Faster. I have to do this. If I don't make it to the top today, I can't fight cancer. Feeling weak.... Have to push. 

Mason is giving out. No! We have to go farther. Mason is getting dizzy. It's past dinner and lunch was a very long time ago.... No! We have to keep pushing. I feel sick, but I can not stop. If I can't do this, I can't fight cancer. We have to keep pushing. Mason sits down. He is dizzy.... Done. 

No! I. Have. To. Keep. Going. I sit down about ten feet higher than Mason. He says we have to turn around now. We had a good hike. Meltdown. Full on. I'm hysterical. Crying and hyperventilating. Mason can't even get to me. If I can't do this how can I fight cancer? I can't quit.... Mason tries to reason that he quit, not me. I cry. 

Eventually I had exhausted my emotions and went back down the mountain. 

You see, I don't have to fight cancer. Jesus will do that. It is not up to me. This is His battle, and He will win. What that victory will look like is not clear to me right now, but He will be victorious. He will be glorified. I love Him and continue to sing His praises. He calms me when I get crazy. He loves me and is with me through the fire. It's okay to get crazy, that crying episode was cleansing for my body. Holding everything in, putting on a brave face is no faith. Letting it go, giving it to Him, crying out for Him in the darkest moments; that is faith. 

In the Matthew passage I shared with you, Peter was not the hero. Jesus was. Peter answered the call, he climbed out of the boat. Then he got scared. He cried out to Jesus, and He immediately saved Peter.  They climbed into the boat and everyone worshipped Jesus as they realized He is the Son of God. Hallelujah!!!

They didn't celebrate Peter for obeying the call, or even for walking on water. They celebrated Jesus. Apart from Jesus, we are nothing. That is our call, the purpose of our life in this temporary place, to make much of Him.

The initial findings of the endosopy were not good news. So I will wait for the biopsy results. I will persevere through chemotherapy and whatever the next step is. I will look to my Savior, trusting my Father. I will cry out to Him in my weakness, and surrender all to Him. He is my exceedingly great reward. Cancer, and any other evil, cannot steal that from me.

Isaiah 32:17
And the work of righteousness will be peace, and the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.

The Week Ahead

This past week Mason and I got to spend some time in California on the beautiful coastline just outside of Los Angeles.  One of the ladies we were with spoke of how crazy it was to be in such a beautiful setting, yet we were basically in LA.  I was so very thankful to be in such a setting as I received the disappointing news from my oncologist.  I was surrounded by God's beautiful creation and comforted as I was reminded in so many ways of His majesty and glory.  What have I to fear in the hands of such a Creator?  How can I even process that this God, THE God, loves me so much that He even knows the number of hairs in my head…. What?!!!!

As we leave California to head back to Utah, the beauty of the mountains is clouded by the smog and dirt of this world.  His beauty is still there, just clouded and not as vivid.  Unfortunately,, the enemy is trying to cloud my clarity of my Savior, who I have come to know so intimately.  Who has proven, over and over again, His love and faithfulness.  This world is broken, riddled with disease and heartache.  All that tries to put a haze over who He is, and who we are in Him.  My brain is focussing on the biopsy on Tuesday and all of the unknowns.  I am committed to focus on Him, and what I know.  I know He loves me more than I can even process.  I know that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that my ways are not His ways, nor are my thoughts His thoughts.  I know that He is good, all the time.  I know I can trust Him with this life that is not mine, but is His.  As I remember who He is, seek His face, dig into His Word and claim His promises, my peace is restored. 

Matthew 14:25-33
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea.  And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.
But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid."
And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."
So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.  But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"
And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
Then those who were in the boat came and worshiped Him, saying, "Truly You are the Son of God."

I want to trust Him.  If I am going to say "Here am I", I'm going to have to have faith in the battle.  I know my fear breaks His heart, but not His love for me.  I am determined to focus so intently on His face that I do not notice the boisterous wind.  He has it! So I will trust Him with the outcome of Tuesday's biopsy.  His grace is sufficient.  He has this! 

A Bump In The Road

Okay, prayer warriors, here we go again....

I received word today that it is necessary for me to begin a new round of chemotherapy. I have been on quite a journey, and God has dealt much with me.  Now here we are. I will know more next week, but for now I will receive my first of six treatments on Monday, May 12.  Only one drug this time, not the three I had before, and one treatment a week.  After that I will continue with hormone therapy, obviously with a different drug!

Mason and I are well, we really have peace in this. For a year and a half there have been little things that have raised concerns, the doctor always says "we'll keep an eye on it".  At my last annual physical there were more concerns, more tests, more scans.  Finally, my case was presented to a breast cancer review board that recommended this treatment plan. Both the oncologist here and the one in Charlotte are in agreement.

Mason Thomas is very far away, so please pray extra for him, but the kids are well and I am so very thankful for their faith.  I am thankful for a Saviout who is personal and attentive.  I am thankful for my God who is Healer, awesome in power.  I am thankful that I don't have to be afraid, and that I am not.  God has shown me much in the last five years, He has carried me when I could not walk.  He has never abandoned me, and He never will.  I am thankful that I hear His voice and know that all of this has been sifted through His hands. I ask for healing, and trust Him with all my tomorrows.

Isaiah 6:8.    Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying
                     "Whom shall I send,
                     And who will go for us?"
                     Then I said, "Here am I, send me"....

This is tiny compared to what Isaiah was called to, but it is big to me.  What is the same is that Isaiah had just seen the glory of the Holy, Holy, Holy God.  His unclean lips had been purified, his iniquity was removed.  He went because he trusted in all that he had just witnessed. He went because he was chosen by God, and prepared and equipped by God for this call.  Five years ago I did not go willingly, yet my merciful Jesus carried me and tenderly held me through the fire.  Today I know Him better, and trust Him more.  I have asked Him to take this cup from me. He said no. So now I say, Here am I.  

God is good, all the time.  His strength is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning.  So I will cling to my Saviour and walk through this fire as I look upon His face.  He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.  

Please pray, again, for the Vincent family. I will continue to tell His story as I journey through this new chapter. So thankful for Him....