FORGIVENESS?!? Ok, fine.....

Really God???? I have to deal with forgiveness AND cancer??? Why???

Isaiah 53:5(ESV)
But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities, upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.  
That's what He did for me, to bring me forgiveness and healing.  To restore me to my Father.  How can I receive such amazing grace and withhold forgiveness?

The biopsy results on my stomach came back.  There is breast cancer in the mucous of my stomach.  My doctor in Charlotte has been very careless.  I was going through all these routine scans while he was watching the cancer silently grow.  I don't understand....  While I'm not surprised, the doctor here expected this, I must confess that I am shaken.  So now I do what I can.  I run to my Savior.  I claim the promises of my Father.  I seek the comfort of the Comforter.  God is sovereign.  Nothing has come to me without first being sifted through His hands.

When I am in my brat mode and want to question God, always because I don't like what He is calling me to, I tend to fill my head with worship music.  It is good to remember Who God is.  I become small.  So do my problems.  I also go to Job, beginning in chapter 38.  It works every time to humble me and restore the joy of my salvation as I am reminded of my powerful Creator.  I can do no other, when I think of the creation and the details of this intricate design that is so perfectly planned.  ALWAYS, my response is as Job's.

Job 42:1-6 (ESV)
Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to Me.' I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

As I seek His face, run to Him for strength and comfort, the reality of my purpose and His majesty always humbles me and calms.

Isaiah 55:9 (ESV)
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

I'm going to say this only once, and then I'm confidently moving on.  If my call is that victory over cancer comes by Him calling me him, I trust Him.  Paul says "to live is Christ, to die is gain."  Amen! I am here to serve Jesus.  I have the unexplainable privilege of participating in building His Kingdom, THE Kingdom.  Not because He needs me, but because He chooses to use me.  Wow!!! When my work is done here, when His work in me is complete, in this tiny blip of my life, I will go home and finally see my Savior face to face.  His grace is sufficient to allow me to reflect His glory in every situation, just as He will for my children and Mason.

I believe, with all my heart, that God brought us out here to save me.  He pushed me into getting a doctor out here.  Even when I did that, I was still clinging to Dr L, I wanted safe and familiar.  God pushed me until I let, begged, the new doctor to really look at my case.  I believe He did all of these things to heal me.  That's what I am expectantly asking for.  In the mean time, I will continue to hold on the Him through this storm, as I tell His story.

I will forgive Dr L, because how can I do otherwise?  Forgiveness is freeing to the forgiver.  That does not mean that it is always easy.  How could I experience such life giving love, yet hold on to bitterness, horde grace, and refuse to forgive?  I will forgive Dr L because His grace is sufficient.  If I have to ask for that grace to forgive every morning, He will be there with me, equipping and empowering.

Lamentations 3:22-24 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

So.... Please join me in this battle.  Please pray for God to save Dr L, that He gives him eyes to see and ears to hear.  Please pray that Mason and I will be wise as we fire him.  My desire is that his complacency does not hurt any other patients.  Please pray that God destroys EVERY bit of cancer in my body.  He can, through a whisper or through medicine.  And please pray that God is glorified in my life and this journey.