I can't believe that it has already been three months! I saw the doctor today and my scans remain normal, the lesions on my bones remain stable, and my body is tolerating the new medications very well. My labs were "pristine"!!!
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NASB
More than the good results, I am so very thankful for all that God has shown me, and that He is so very patient. I would be lying if I told you that I have it all figured out. Living with cancer is easy. Trusting God comes naturally, because I know Him so well. To live is Christ, to die is gain. Whatever the news, I serve a risen Savior, death is defeated, and all is well. Right?
Well, I'm not that super Christian. Wish I was. I certainly should be, after all that God has done and been for me. Yet, I still struggle. Then I struggle with the fact that I struggle. Sigh....
But this week He has given me peace. Again. I had a good day yesterday and I slept well last night. In five years of scans and appointments to go over the results, that has NEVER happened! So I'm a slow learner, but peace comes. When the enemy tries to plant seeds of fear and doubt, I boldly say, "Not my will, Father, but Your will be done." He will provide and I won't be alone. Always.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6 NASB)
I have literally made myself sick with fear. My stomach has been acting up, it must be cancer. Mason got it right, my anxiety was making my stomach upset. Yet, God still loves me. Still meets me where I am. Still pushes me on. Still heals me, grows me, changes me. He still amazes me.
God has been walking me through a study in Philippians. He is showing me that my struggle isn't with the fear of death. Death is not scary, nor is it the end. This world is not my home, and I long for the day when Christ returns, or calls me home! I don't want to die from cancer, but God's grace is sufficient. My struggle is simply letting go. I want what I want. I'm not even sure, really, what I want. I just want to be in charge. Silly, I know. Even crazy and definitely bratty. Pride. His will, not mine. He is God, I am not.
For to you it has been granted for Christ's sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, (Philippians 1:29 NASB)
I want easy. I think we, as a society, count it a "blessed" life if it is free from trials and conflict. Why can we not see the "privilege" of being called to "suffer" for the sake of the Gospel, for the glory of God. I have heard stories of the youth in China being honored at their call to persecution as Christians. It is against the law, yet they boldly share Christ and their faith because, well, how can they not?!! The danger that comes with worship is an honor to them. I am a better person for my trials. When I am seeking God, gazing into His face, I am humbled and honored that He would use me, broken and a mess, to tell such a beautiful story. His story, of mercy and grace. I often ask my Lord to please take this cup from me. He is patient, always equipping for whatever He calls me to. He strengthens and comforts in chemo. He wrestles with me and brings peace in the bad news and the unknowns. He gives me His words when He calls me to write. When I quietly trust and follow Him as He leads, He is glorified in my weakness. I wouldn't trade a minute of this journey, peaks and valleys, because of all I have learned and become. So many lives have been touched, way beyond me, through the testimony of His faithfulness and power throughout this journey.
A couple of years before my original diagnosis I started asking God to work in my heart. I wanted to know Jesus better. Really grasp who He is and what He has done for me. I want to understand the COST, really, of my sins on that cross. I felt like I was just coasting, and if I truly understood my Savior and His sacrifice on my behalf, coasting would not be an option. Well, I have learned much. I am so much more appreciative, and humbled, at my gift of salvation. I am so in love with my beautiful, merciful Jesus.... I'm still a sinner who lives in a fallen world, and I have a long way to go. To truly love the way He loves will only come when I am complete, in His eternal presence. But I am thankful for all I have learned through this journey and I look forward to all that is to come!
I have so much to be thankful for today. I am thankful for this quiet, to listen for God to direct my next steps. All of the Vincent family will be together for Christmas this year! We are spread all over the world so that is a beautiful gift!!! Mason and I are going to be grandparents in 2015!!! A precious gift that five years ago I thought would never be... Jillian and Adam now live near us, a very unexpected gift that I call a miracle! Mason and I continue to grow comfortable in our new role as empty nesters and love all of our adventures as we watch our growing family forge new paths as they each trust in God and follow His direction. Another miracle. And I am healthy! But without Christ, none of it matters, it is all rubbish compared to Him. So I praise Him for today, and trust Him for tomorrow, and seek to live like I really believe that what I believe is really real! (no coasting!)
This world is a crazy place, and quickly becoming crazier. We, His body, need to become bolder. Not with our words or our judgements, rather with our love and compassion. Be creative! Ask God to show you needs around you, there are many. Watch how the Gospel is spread through our deeds! Take risks, put yourself out there! Trust God as we all step out of our comfort zones. We can be world changers...
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:7-11 NASB)
