Argh...

It has been a very busy week and I have been on quite a mental and spiritual treadmill. I say that because I have gone on a journey that has returned me to where I began on Monday morning. The news has basically been good, at least not bad, but I seem to have to keep processing the same thing over and over. The appointment with the oncologist was on Monday. The CT scan shows the cancer on the bones to be stable, which is the best we can ask for at this time. If the cancer was killed instantly, it will show for about a year; much like a bone has to recover from a fracture, it has to recover from the damage of the cancer after the cancer is destroyed. He said that in his judgement I should have the surgery as planned. This is truly an answer to prayer, it gave confirmation to Mason and gave us unity as we go into surgery next week. I guess what set me off, and honestly I really don't know, irrationality is difficult to explain, is the reality that the doctor expects the cancer to come back somewhere. It is in my blood so it is difficult to contain. I said that it could never come back, and he said that was true. Not what he is expecting. Then doubt entered and fear was right behind. Then I was mad at myself for doubting God and His power and goodness. Then guilt. You see where I am going and why the title of this blog. I am thankful that I serve a gracious God who is patient, who loves me perfectly, and never lets go of me even when I am weak and bratty. A friend had given me a massage as a gift that just happened to be later that day. This was a school that was having clinicals for their students, and the student who did my massage just so happened to be a nurse and a breast cancer survivor! She shared her story and later told me that I am very healthy, my skin and my color, I am very healthy. What a nice thing for God to do for me in my weakness. How can I doubt His love when He is ALWAYS so tender with me. Tuesday I saw the surgeon for my pre-op visit and she was very encouraging. She presented my case at a convention and all agreed that I should have the surgery. She was surprised by this, conventional wisdom is that stage 4 cancer is such a high risk for a return in another area of the body that it does not warrant putting the patient through a surgery that can do nothing to prevent such a spread. In my case, however, the response of the cancer to the chemo has been incredible; thereby recommending the surgery to go ahead and remove the source. A friend told me this week that I am surrounded by God everyday, but when I go to the doctor they do not invite God in. God can whisper this cancer away, He can certainly destroy it through the medicine. Whether the doctors acknowledge His miracles or not, His power is real, His goodness is real, and His healing miracles are real. Mason and I are back where we began, able to laugh and trusting in our wonderful Savior. He was telling me a story today about someone whose girl friend is a couple of months ahead of me on her breast cancer journey. I reminded him that she was not lucky like me to have this weird cancer and stage 4; he reminded me that because my case is so hopeless, God will get all the glory. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not a hero of faith. I am weak and broken, and I am utterly dependent on a loving God. Because I am so very hopeless, God will get all of the glory as I persevere in this trial. As I place my trust in Him, I am made strong in Him. Please pray for me as I fight this spiritual and physical battle, that I will trust God and yield to Him. We are boldly asking God to let the pathology report from my surgery come back showing absolutely no cancer remaining; please boldly pray with us. Please pray that God is glorified in every aspect of this trial. Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."