I'm In Awe Of You....

Today I was walking and listening to praise music. I was thinking about how good I feel, really good. That is a big deal considering I was walking five miles, showering and changing to head to chemo treatment number nine. I have felt so good for the past couple of weeks. Really. I went through a couple of weeks of really rough times. Not feeling good. Ever. Trying to push through. Frustrated.....am I just weak in spirit? Feeling defeated. Then mad that I feel defeated; why is my faith so weak?  Cry out to God. Claim the name of Jesus. Begging to feel the cover and power of the Holy Spirit. Take a day at a time, even a step at a time. And now, peace. So thankful for peace. 

(1 Kings 19:11, 12 ESV)
And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.

I want to hear God in the quiet, as He whispers to me. I want to praise Him as desperately and loudly in the peace as I do in the storm. 

I was thinking how I was not as thankful as I should be for the peace. As I walked the music reminded of Jesus. Name above all names. Love that ran red, MY sin washed white. Merciful. The Name I will proclaim. My Resurrection. Life. Peace. Amazing grace. I'm in awe of You. 

I want to be more than a cancer survivor. I want to be all He has for me. I want my life to point to Him. I am so in love with Him. But I can't just be the crazy bald lady walking through Jeremy Ranch singing out loud because I can't contain it! I sing really bad.... And I look a little odd right now! I might be scaring people..... Any way.... I want to live a LIFE that sings His praise. 

I live safe. I'm cautious. I control my emotions and worry too much about being proper. I don't want to embarrass Mason or our kids. I certainly don't want to shame Jesus. So I live cautiously. I want to live like a person who has been rescued. From sin. From death. From being an enemy of God to being a child of God! I want to share the gospel! With everyone! I want to rescue the widows and the orphans. I want to build the Kingdom. I want to live free. Free from chains that bind, like pride and fear. Free to be who God has created me to be. Free to love big, live boldly. Free from preconceptions and free to go wherever He leads me. 

We are so good, as Christians, at putting on a happy face. If we look holy, completely together, then we represent Christ well.  But that is not what the Scriptures say. 

(Psalm 68:19 ESV)
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. 

(2 Corinthians 11:30 ESV)
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. 

(2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

This past fall I spent time with my mom, who was dying the horrible death of Alzheimer's. One morning I was alone with her and struggling as this disease was winning for a short time. The picture was this. My mom was walking down the street, fully clothed, shoes and all. Hair combed, had just eaten a good breakfast. Dressed for the fall weather of Michigan. By all appearances she was a healthy, strong senior citizen, out for a morning walk. I, however, presented a completely different picture. I'm running down the street, a safe distance behind my determined mother. Barefoot and in my pajamas. Crying. Hysterically. A few minutes before this scene, my sister called 911 about our hysterical mom who was an out of control Alzheimer's patient. So, naturally, when the sheriff arrived, he bypassed my mom and came straight to rescue me! 

That was the outside picture. A facade. Not reality. What had happened earlier was Alzheimer's causing a "psychotic episode" in my mom. I had spent the morning going through her routine, at a very accelerated pace, desperately trying to calm and distract her in hopes of avoiding what came any way. There was no time for me to dress. All of my energy was channeled to her care. As my mom became agitated, then violent, and finally escaping, I grew more frightened. I was in contact with my sister, who had experienced this before and had been counseled on how to respond. She called the police for my Mom's safety, and prayed for me as she tried to calm and encourage me. As I frantically left the house in hopes of being there to help Mom in the event of a fall or accident, I called Mason. All I could get out through my hysteria was, "I need you to pray.". He didn't know the details, he just prayed. We both knew that God knew the details and could be trusted with our vague yet desperate prayers. 

You see, the hysterical person had the wisdom, and habit, to seek God in the storm. I'm pretty sure my mom was not praying that morning. But God intervened. Peace came, eventually. A couple of hours later I sat in a hospital bed with my mom and sister, singing Jesus Loves Me! True peace, however, came a few weeks later, as I was curled up in a hospice bed with my mom and her children and grandson, singing praises to Jesus and sharing memories of her life.  Encouraging her to "go home"! Peace, eternal peace, came quietly in the early morning. Thankful for the peace. 

Appearances can be deceiving. When we put on a happy face, there is a pretty good chance we are not falling on our face, desperately crying out to God. Our response to trials will reflect the glory of God as He perfects us. Or not.  I realize that every day is not filled with Alzheimer's or cancer. There are peaks and valleys, and some people will never personally experience such storms. But the chances are, even if huge storms, hurricanes or quick tornadoes, don't effect your personal life, they will effect someone around you. Be there. Send or speak encouragement. Bring meals, help with children, run errands. PRAY. Beg God for wisdom and guidance. 

(Psalm 68:4, 5 ESV)
Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him who rides through the deserts; his name is the Lord; exult before him! Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

(James 1:2-5)
2Dear brothers and sisters,a when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
5If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 

It can be messy, this worshipping our Father with our life. You could be the crazy bald woman walking down the street singing His praises as He fills you for battle. You could be the crazy lady running down the street in your pajamas, as you try to protect your mother. Wait.... Maybe God saves that kind of messy for His special chosen children.... Yeah, probably! Any way, go! Trust God, listen for His whisper... Live big! Get messy! Then.... Tell His story.