I have completed eight of twelve treatments and am so thankful to be doing well and right on schedule! As I persevere and continue to trust my Lord through this journey, I thought of some things I have learned and would like to share..... They are things I have learned through a trial or storm of cancer. I believe, however, that there are applicable lessons that are good to know, no matter what your particular trial may be. I hope you gain some comfort or insight.....
Chemo messes with my lymphodema, therefore I am doing physical therapy as well as daily exercises at home to combat it. I am praying that it will settle down after I complete my treatments. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart, it's good to know that it's all part of chemo! I call breast cancer the gift that keeps on giving.... Therefore, I must keep on fighting, in whatever ways I can. Good to know!
Exercise actually makes you feel better! I know that rest is important, but exercise really does make me feel better. I have days that I am just tired and don't feel like doing anything. When I push through, go for a walk or a hike, I always feel better. Some days the walk is short, but it is better than sitting home not feeling good. I'm pretty sure the praise music in my ears combined with being in the middle of God's beautiful creation helps a ton!!! Good to know!
The cancer patient (me), needs to communicate clearly with the main caregiver (Mason). I need to tell Mason what I need from him, not expect him to guess. Mason thinks I am strong, his respect for me is how he shows his love. Sometimes I just need a hug! I have to tell him, he's not great at intuition or mind reading! He is, however, very responsive to my communicated needs.... Good to know!
The caregiver needs to listen, with eyes and ears! Sometimes said cancer patient is just so caught up in the emotional and physical stresses that she simply doesn't know what she wants or needs. Patience and perseverance will generally bring comfort and resolution! Fatigue can make me crazy, as can hunger. The two combined.....BOOM!!!! Mason is learning to pay more attention and guide me when I've hit a wall and don't know what I want or need. Good to know!
Cancer can bring many blessings. Our marriage is stronger, our faith is deeper, and our compassion is greater because of this cancer journey. We are thankful for every day, knowing what a blessing it is to grow old together. We have had to be there for each other, good news and bad. We pray together and for each other. We understand the hurt and devastation that cancer diagnosis can cause. We also understand the hope that we have because of Jesus! We have had so many opportunities to share that hope, with scared and hurting people, as well as hospital and doctor staffs. I don't know what God will do, or has done, with any of that. But we share our hope as we trust Him with the rest. How can we not share all that God has so graciously and powerfully been to us?!! Good to know....
Cancer will bring cool people in and out of your life. It just does. We have met some of the nicest people in the infusion rooms and in the many waiting rooms we have have spent too much time in over the past five years! Funny conversations. Inspiring stories. Tragic, hurting people who have never known that I have quietly prayed for them. Maybe one day I will see them in heaven.... God will do great and glorious things and that is good to know!
Prayer matters. To the prayer and to the prayed for. I have been on both ends and I'm not sure which has been more powerful to me. Prayer brings change. Read your Bible! I don't understand the how's, I just know God tells us to, and He responds. It's amazing... I have been changed, comforted, challenged and healed as I prayed for someone; and I have been changed, comforted, challenged, and healed, as others have prayed for me. Pray....Good to know!
Give. Of yourself. You can and should. Even in the middle of a trial, you have something to give. You can write a note, give a word of comfort or encouragement. You can pray. You can share your story of how God is carrying you right now. You can tell of the hope you have. Trust me, you will feel better and so very blessed if you just tell God's story! That's our purpose, and that is good to know!
Laugh. Really. This week there were three women waiting to see the doctor and then going down for chemo. We are all tired of chemo, our husbands have their own issues. But we had the best time. We laughed. Over nothing. Just laughed. Laughter is a vital part of the Vincent family, always Kind of healing! And good to know!
Don't watch hallmark movies where the mom dies of cancer when in the middle of this battle. Bad idea. It can set off a panic/anxiety attack. Not that I would be so stupid, but, you know, it could happen to some foolish person.... Laughter, way better. It's just good to know!
People who have cancer on tv usually die. Not reality. Good to know.
God still does miracles! Everyday and in many ways. Open your eyes and heart, don't miss them! Very good to know!
Turn to God. Speak your complaints, struggles, and fears out loud. He is a big God, He can take it. I find, however, when I say my complaints out loud, when I physically hear them, I'm usually humbled at the sound of them. Really? I'm going to complain to my perfect Savior, who died a horrible death on a cross? For me. Willingly, without complaint. So I could have a hope. So I have assurance. So I don't have to fear any storm. He is my rescue and strength. My complaints disappear as I find myself longing for Him.
Isaiah 30:18 (NASB)
Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the LORD is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him.
Now THAT IS GOOD TO KNOW!!!!!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Be An Eagle Today, Mama!
Last week was difficult. The labs showed my liver numbers were way high. I have been taking a very large dose of prescription Prilosec for my stomach for about a month because of the stomach acid reflux caused by the cancer. It has been helping but because of the liver numbers they told me to quit taking it and we will check the labs again next week to see if that was causing the liver problems. So, I wait. Again.
The adjustment to dropping the medicine has been difficult. A lot of heartburn, plus all the silly anxiety at every bit of bad or concerning news. In all fairness, I have a really bad track record! It seems that if something shows up as a concern, it is usually the worst case scenario. So, I wait. Again.
Due to some miscommunications, they did not run the labs this week. Great.... So, I wait. Again.
Physical fatigue combined with not feeling well and mental stress, left me wide open for spiritual attacks. I cried out to Jesus. Over and over and over. He was gracious and gave me much. I was trying to sort through and process it all. After a bad evening this week, ruining a celebratory dinner with a very special friend and Mason's parents, I was left weak and feeling pretty defeated. As Mason was holding his crying wife, he did what he does well. He gave her a sleeping pill and recruited the prayer of his daughters! The next morning I woke up to this text from Madi:
"Isaiah 40:31 NLT But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Be an eagle today mama."
Wow.... So thankful for kids who are so much better than me! The best part is this; the previous day I was walking and listening to praise music. I was talking to God, who had spent the week giving me so much. I was having a difficult time trying to pick one thing to chew on, to really try to claim and allow to sincerely change and grow me. This same thing was happening on my walk. I could hear God, He was near to me. I was comforted, yet I was restless. I was all over the place. Then, when I was almost home, I saw this.
I didn't know what or why, but I took a picture. God was telling me to slow down. His time is perfect. I want the great lab results, now. I want the great scan report, now. I want to feel better, now. I want the cancer gone, now. But God says wait. So, I wait. Again.
The really cool thing is that this particular sign is out at that same spot every day. I see it every time I walk. I turn the corner, never really paying attention to it. On that day, God whispered to me. It had been almost two weeks of crying out to Him and really not understanding what He was saying. It has also been several days between taking the picture and hearing God clearly. Wait is not what I wanted to hear. Maybe that is why I was having such a difficult time! Rejecting God's direction is never a good idea, and never successful! Thankfully, He does not give up on me! Only a few verses before the one Madi shared is this promise:
Isaiah 40:28 ESV
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.
So thankful!!!!! Sometimes the only thing that inhibits our hearing of God's voice is timing. Don't give up. Be still. You. Will. Hear. Him.
Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. It does! No matter the situation, no matter the trial. God's plan is perfect. God's timing is perfect. His promises are to be trusted. He is patiently forming us into His image. He does not give up on us. Ever! I don't want easy, I don't want to miss His heart for me. One step at a time, one day at a time.
So.... Go be an eagle today!
The adjustment to dropping the medicine has been difficult. A lot of heartburn, plus all the silly anxiety at every bit of bad or concerning news. In all fairness, I have a really bad track record! It seems that if something shows up as a concern, it is usually the worst case scenario. So, I wait. Again.
Due to some miscommunications, they did not run the labs this week. Great.... So, I wait. Again.
Physical fatigue combined with not feeling well and mental stress, left me wide open for spiritual attacks. I cried out to Jesus. Over and over and over. He was gracious and gave me much. I was trying to sort through and process it all. After a bad evening this week, ruining a celebratory dinner with a very special friend and Mason's parents, I was left weak and feeling pretty defeated. As Mason was holding his crying wife, he did what he does well. He gave her a sleeping pill and recruited the prayer of his daughters! The next morning I woke up to this text from Madi:
"Isaiah 40:31 NLT But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Be an eagle today mama."
Wow.... So thankful for kids who are so much better than me! The best part is this; the previous day I was walking and listening to praise music. I was talking to God, who had spent the week giving me so much. I was having a difficult time trying to pick one thing to chew on, to really try to claim and allow to sincerely change and grow me. This same thing was happening on my walk. I could hear God, He was near to me. I was comforted, yet I was restless. I was all over the place. Then, when I was almost home, I saw this.
I didn't know what or why, but I took a picture. God was telling me to slow down. His time is perfect. I want the great lab results, now. I want the great scan report, now. I want to feel better, now. I want the cancer gone, now. But God says wait. So, I wait. Again.The really cool thing is that this particular sign is out at that same spot every day. I see it every time I walk. I turn the corner, never really paying attention to it. On that day, God whispered to me. It had been almost two weeks of crying out to Him and really not understanding what He was saying. It has also been several days between taking the picture and hearing God clearly. Wait is not what I wanted to hear. Maybe that is why I was having such a difficult time! Rejecting God's direction is never a good idea, and never successful! Thankfully, He does not give up on me! Only a few verses before the one Madi shared is this promise:
Isaiah 40:28 ESV
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable.
So thankful!!!!! Sometimes the only thing that inhibits our hearing of God's voice is timing. Don't give up. Be still. You. Will. Hear. Him.
Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. It does! No matter the situation, no matter the trial. God's plan is perfect. God's timing is perfect. His promises are to be trusted. He is patiently forming us into His image. He does not give up on us. Ever! I don't want easy, I don't want to miss His heart for me. One step at a time, one day at a time.
So.... Go be an eagle today!
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Today We're Wearing Hats!
I kept thinking of God's command to honor our father and mother.... It means so many things, depending on our individual circumstances and God's call to us. My mom had Alzheimer's, my call was different than my children's or even of each of my siblings. God's call is always personal and unique. We often want a basic instruction, I call it "The easy button"! God doesn't work that way, He is bigger and more personal than that. Each of my children have lived out that command in different and special ways. When your mom has cancer, sometimes the caregiver comes sooner than one would expect. My kids have all been supportive and encouraging. I have received text messages and phone calls of I love you's, how are you feeling?' and scripture. I am blessed beyond measure!!!!
I must confess to feeling a little overwhelmed at the reality of losing my hair, again. Chemo, again. Cancer, again. There was the beginning of a pity party; God....Why? Then I saw my beautiful daunter in the mirror. Gently concentrating on the task at hand, with that ever present smile of hers! All grown up, honoring her mother in a very special and intimate way. How can I whine when God always gives me gentle reminders of His presence as well as His attention to every detail? Like me, Madi could have had a pity party. Shaving your mother's head is above and beyond, isn't it? But that's the beauty of serving this amazing God. He calls us such a high calling. Higher than we could ever go on our own. So high that we fall on our knees, utterly dependent on Him. Oh the unspeakable joy that is found in that place! Being stretched beyond our limits, trusting Him for the victory!
David Crowder has a song that is so special to me called "How He Loves". One of the lines, as he sings of God's powerful love for us cries out, "All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory. And I realize just how beautiful He is and how great His affections are for me...." God's love is perfect, and as powerful as love has to be from our perfect Creator, THE Creator! It is a love that refines and sanctifies. It is a love that expects much because it wants our best to shine in His glory. It is a love that, while often tough and always overwhelming, brings unspeakable joy! It is a love that I am so grateful for and so humbled by. It is a love that makes me forget I have cancer and reminds me that He has this! It is a love that allows Madi to smile as she shaves her mothers head. He has my kids as He stretches and strengthens them. He puts smiles in the middle of trials!
Last night we had a black tie event. New dress, old wig! I dug out the wig, washed and fluffed it. I got all ready to go, and of course, I thought I looked hideous. It looks like a wig. I look like a cancer patient. More whining. Then Mason walked in. His face lit up and he told me I was beautiful. And he meant it! Blessings beyond measure.... I felt beautiful the entire evening!
Then Mason told me he wants me to style my hair exactly like the wig when It grows back. But that is for another post on another day!!!
There is always joy in the battle. Trust Him. Gaze on Him. May He become so big that you forget your afflictions!
Psalm 16:5,6 (ESV)
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Don't Miss God's Glory!
Sunday we went for a short hike, we had guests coming for dinner so we didn't have a lot of time, and in my defense, it was one mile straight up! This particular hike reminded me a lot of North Carolina. Thick trees and no rock walls! I found myself concentrating so hard on the path, lots of tree roots and rock, plus the occasional pile of moose poop, that I forgot to look up and take in the beautiful surroundings! When we concentrate so much on right now, getting through whatever is before us, we can miss God, His glory, His miracles, His provision.
We walked along a Creek. But we could only hear the creek, it was difficult to see. The harshness of winter had caused many trees to fall. The creek was covered with debris, but we knew it was there. We could hear it, and if we stopped and looked through the debris, we could see it. As I walked, again, if I was so focused on not tripping, on completing my task promptly and injury free, I lost the peaceful, soothing sounds of the creek. (Yep, there really is a creek under all that chaos!)
God's glory is all around. Miracles are happening everyday and in many ways. My cancer story is full of miracles. God carried this terrified child through her worst nightmares as He built my faith and removed dross. He had a different end than I could imagine. I thought there was no way I would have seen many more Christmas', college graduations of my children, their weddings, and so much more. Mason Thomas is a fighter pilot, and I got to pin on his wings! And I'm not worried or scared! I have a wonderful son-in-law because cancer gave my stubborn daughter clear vision! Allie has such a heart for the children she teaches. She has no desire to be any where else, as she understands how precious a touch of love can be to change a life! All four of our children trusted God through that first journey and all six of them are today! That is such a miracle! I never dreamed of a sixteen year old girl, just coming out of a very traumatic year, having the faith to obediently launch Ghana Rock; nor the blessing of falling so in love with the children enslaved on that lake and the people who have given their lives to "rescue the widows and orphans". I have seen His glory, I know that one day EVERY child on Lake Volta will be free! Free from slavery, free from the bondage of sin, free to tell the story of his/her rescue, redemption, and revival! He has been glorified through a journey of cancer and bad news. He continues to be. Miracle healing and protection. Rescue from a negligent doctor. Victory over fear. Peace that passes all understanding. God is glorified in good and dark, only He can take the devastation of cancer and bring forth beautiful fruit and blessings. You just have to look!
His glory shines in the victory of forgiving what many see as the unforgivable. If I only share the victory, without sharing the struggle and the process, then I look like a hero and God is not glorified. I share the struggle and the process of forgiving to tell His story. His tender love that rescues and restores. His grace that is all sufficient. His mercies that are new every morning, that means unending! Only when I look to Jesus, pour myself into His word, cry out to Him in prayer, remember all that He has done for me; loving the unlovely, only then, can I forgive. I can forgive because I have seen His glory and my unworthiness. I can forgive because He calls me to, and He equips me for whatever He calls me to. I can forgive as I rest in Him.
No matter your trial, whatever you're facing, God is in the middle of it, and He cares. Are you an exhausted mother, of preschoolers or teens? Are you in a difficult marriage? Are you wanting desperately to be married and God hasn't shown you that chosen someone? Or maybe infertility, financial trouble, or fear of your lack of plans for your next chapter? Is it your child who has wandered from the Lord? Parents or family members you have prayed for without ceasing and God seems silent? Your health or the health of a loved one? The loss of loved ones? None of it is bigger than God!!! All of it can be brought to Him and laid at the foot of the cross. He does not promise us perfectly happy lives. He promises trouble in this world, but peace in Him. Look up, hold your head high. Don't miss His glory!
John 16:33
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world"
We walked along a Creek. But we could only hear the creek, it was difficult to see. The harshness of winter had caused many trees to fall. The creek was covered with debris, but we knew it was there. We could hear it, and if we stopped and looked through the debris, we could see it. As I walked, again, if I was so focused on not tripping, on completing my task promptly and injury free, I lost the peaceful, soothing sounds of the creek. (Yep, there really is a creek under all that chaos!)God's glory is all around. Miracles are happening everyday and in many ways. My cancer story is full of miracles. God carried this terrified child through her worst nightmares as He built my faith and removed dross. He had a different end than I could imagine. I thought there was no way I would have seen many more Christmas', college graduations of my children, their weddings, and so much more. Mason Thomas is a fighter pilot, and I got to pin on his wings! And I'm not worried or scared! I have a wonderful son-in-law because cancer gave my stubborn daughter clear vision! Allie has such a heart for the children she teaches. She has no desire to be any where else, as she understands how precious a touch of love can be to change a life! All four of our children trusted God through that first journey and all six of them are today! That is such a miracle! I never dreamed of a sixteen year old girl, just coming out of a very traumatic year, having the faith to obediently launch Ghana Rock; nor the blessing of falling so in love with the children enslaved on that lake and the people who have given their lives to "rescue the widows and orphans". I have seen His glory, I know that one day EVERY child on Lake Volta will be free! Free from slavery, free from the bondage of sin, free to tell the story of his/her rescue, redemption, and revival! He has been glorified through a journey of cancer and bad news. He continues to be. Miracle healing and protection. Rescue from a negligent doctor. Victory over fear. Peace that passes all understanding. God is glorified in good and dark, only He can take the devastation of cancer and bring forth beautiful fruit and blessings. You just have to look!
His glory shines in the victory of forgiving what many see as the unforgivable. If I only share the victory, without sharing the struggle and the process, then I look like a hero and God is not glorified. I share the struggle and the process of forgiving to tell His story. His tender love that rescues and restores. His grace that is all sufficient. His mercies that are new every morning, that means unending! Only when I look to Jesus, pour myself into His word, cry out to Him in prayer, remember all that He has done for me; loving the unlovely, only then, can I forgive. I can forgive because I have seen His glory and my unworthiness. I can forgive because He calls me to, and He equips me for whatever He calls me to. I can forgive as I rest in Him.
No matter your trial, whatever you're facing, God is in the middle of it, and He cares. Are you an exhausted mother, of preschoolers or teens? Are you in a difficult marriage? Are you wanting desperately to be married and God hasn't shown you that chosen someone? Or maybe infertility, financial trouble, or fear of your lack of plans for your next chapter? Is it your child who has wandered from the Lord? Parents or family members you have prayed for without ceasing and God seems silent? Your health or the health of a loved one? The loss of loved ones? None of it is bigger than God!!! All of it can be brought to Him and laid at the foot of the cross. He does not promise us perfectly happy lives. He promises trouble in this world, but peace in Him. Look up, hold your head high. Don't miss His glory!
"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world"
Friday, May 23, 2014
FORGIVENESS?!? Ok, fine.....
Really God???? I have to deal with forgiveness AND cancer??? Why???
Isaiah 53:5(ESV)
But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities, upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.
That's what He did for me, to bring me forgiveness and healing. To restore me to my Father. How can I receive such amazing grace and withhold forgiveness?
The biopsy results on my stomach came back. There is breast cancer in the mucous of my stomach. My doctor in Charlotte has been very careless. I was going through all these routine scans while he was watching the cancer silently grow. I don't understand.... While I'm not surprised, the doctor here expected this, I must confess that I am shaken. So now I do what I can. I run to my Savior. I claim the promises of my Father. I seek the comfort of the Comforter. God is sovereign. Nothing has come to me without first being sifted through His hands.
When I am in my brat mode and want to question God, always because I don't like what He is calling me to, I tend to fill my head with worship music. It is good to remember Who God is. I become small. So do my problems. I also go to Job, beginning in chapter 38. It works every time to humble me and restore the joy of my salvation as I am reminded of my powerful Creator. I can do no other, when I think of the creation and the details of this intricate design that is so perfectly planned. ALWAYS, my response is as Job's.
Job 42:1-6 (ESV)
Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to Me.' I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."
As I seek His face, run to Him for strength and comfort, the reality of my purpose and His majesty always humbles me and calms.
Isaiah 55:9 (ESV)
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
I'm going to say this only once, and then I'm confidently moving on. If my call is that victory over cancer comes by Him calling me him, I trust Him. Paul says "to live is Christ, to die is gain." Amen! I am here to serve Jesus. I have the unexplainable privilege of participating in building His Kingdom, THE Kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He chooses to use me. Wow!!! When my work is done here, when His work in me is complete, in this tiny blip of my life, I will go home and finally see my Savior face to face. His grace is sufficient to allow me to reflect His glory in every situation, just as He will for my children and Mason.
I believe, with all my heart, that God brought us out here to save me. He pushed me into getting a doctor out here. Even when I did that, I was still clinging to Dr L, I wanted safe and familiar. God pushed me until I let, begged, the new doctor to really look at my case. I believe He did all of these things to heal me. That's what I am expectantly asking for. In the mean time, I will continue to hold on the Him through this storm, as I tell His story.
I will forgive Dr L, because how can I do otherwise? Forgiveness is freeing to the forgiver. That does not mean that it is always easy. How could I experience such life giving love, yet hold on to bitterness, horde grace, and refuse to forgive? I will forgive Dr L because His grace is sufficient. If I have to ask for that grace to forgive every morning, He will be there with me, equipping and empowering.
Lamentations 3:22-24 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
So.... Please join me in this battle. Please pray for God to save Dr L, that He gives him eyes to see and ears to hear. Please pray that Mason and I will be wise as we fire him. My desire is that his complacency does not hurt any other patients. Please pray that God destroys EVERY bit of cancer in my body. He can, through a whisper or through medicine. And please pray that God is glorified in my life and this journey.
Isaiah 53:5(ESV)
But He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities, upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His wounds we are healed.
That's what He did for me, to bring me forgiveness and healing. To restore me to my Father. How can I receive such amazing grace and withhold forgiveness?
The biopsy results on my stomach came back. There is breast cancer in the mucous of my stomach. My doctor in Charlotte has been very careless. I was going through all these routine scans while he was watching the cancer silently grow. I don't understand.... While I'm not surprised, the doctor here expected this, I must confess that I am shaken. So now I do what I can. I run to my Savior. I claim the promises of my Father. I seek the comfort of the Comforter. God is sovereign. Nothing has come to me without first being sifted through His hands.
When I am in my brat mode and want to question God, always because I don't like what He is calling me to, I tend to fill my head with worship music. It is good to remember Who God is. I become small. So do my problems. I also go to Job, beginning in chapter 38. It works every time to humble me and restore the joy of my salvation as I am reminded of my powerful Creator. I can do no other, when I think of the creation and the details of this intricate design that is so perfectly planned. ALWAYS, my response is as Job's.
Job 42:1-6 (ESV)
Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to Me.' I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."
As I seek His face, run to Him for strength and comfort, the reality of my purpose and His majesty always humbles me and calms.
Isaiah 55:9 (ESV)
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.
I'm going to say this only once, and then I'm confidently moving on. If my call is that victory over cancer comes by Him calling me him, I trust Him. Paul says "to live is Christ, to die is gain." Amen! I am here to serve Jesus. I have the unexplainable privilege of participating in building His Kingdom, THE Kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He chooses to use me. Wow!!! When my work is done here, when His work in me is complete, in this tiny blip of my life, I will go home and finally see my Savior face to face. His grace is sufficient to allow me to reflect His glory in every situation, just as He will for my children and Mason.
I believe, with all my heart, that God brought us out here to save me. He pushed me into getting a doctor out here. Even when I did that, I was still clinging to Dr L, I wanted safe and familiar. God pushed me until I let, begged, the new doctor to really look at my case. I believe He did all of these things to heal me. That's what I am expectantly asking for. In the mean time, I will continue to hold on the Him through this storm, as I tell His story.
I will forgive Dr L, because how can I do otherwise? Forgiveness is freeing to the forgiver. That does not mean that it is always easy. How could I experience such life giving love, yet hold on to bitterness, horde grace, and refuse to forgive? I will forgive Dr L because His grace is sufficient. If I have to ask for that grace to forgive every morning, He will be there with me, equipping and empowering.
Lamentations 3:22-24 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."
So.... Please join me in this battle. Please pray for God to save Dr L, that He gives him eyes to see and ears to hear. Please pray that Mason and I will be wise as we fire him. My desire is that his complacency does not hurt any other patients. Please pray that God destroys EVERY bit of cancer in my body. He can, through a whisper or through medicine. And please pray that God is glorified in my life and this journey.
Monday, May 19, 2014
I Gained Weight!!!!!
Yep. I gained weight and we are celebrating! Last week I was at the same weight as when I finished everything.
chemo, surgery, and radiation. Everything. My stomach is a mess, but that is what made me push the doctors to search for what was wrong. I lost a lot of weight through April and May. But today, I celebrate weight gain. In the middle of chemotherapy. I. Gained. Weight. God is Healer!!!
Perspective is a funny thing. Mason and I giggled a little as we high-fived weight gain and a lower blood pressure! We giggled as we made plans for a black-tie affair we have next week. What will my hair style be? Will I still have hair? Do I don the wig? It was suggested today that perhaps I should sport a studded headdress.... Hmmmm.... Conversations and laughter can always be a part of your day, even in the craziness of cancer. Perspective. God makes all things possible.
My brother-in-law lost his mom today. But his perspective has made him able to praise our amazing God that she trusted in Jesus and that death is neither scary nor the end. For her or him. Perspective. Death is hard. It was not God's plan for us. But God gave us free will, and we chose poorly. So we have death in this world. But Jesus overcame the world, and defeated death! Hallelujah!!! One day, there will be no cancer. There will be no beautiful women donning unusual headpieces because cancer stole their shining hair that God so precisely placed on their carefully formed heads. Every tear will be wiped away, and all will be righted. A new heaven and a new earth, redeemed and just as it was before the fall!
Until then, we have Jesus. We have the Holy Spirit. We have beautiful sunsets and glorious mountains. We have the hope of more than this and the comfort of that hope. We can have peace, even in this fallen world. As a good Presbyterian I know the answer to the question "What is the chief end of man?" The chief end of man is to GLORIFY God and ENJOY Him forever. Perspective. There can always be joy when we know Christ.
Revelation 21:1-5a
Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."
Amen!
chemo, surgery, and radiation. Everything. My stomach is a mess, but that is what made me push the doctors to search for what was wrong. I lost a lot of weight through April and May. But today, I celebrate weight gain. In the middle of chemotherapy. I. Gained. Weight. God is Healer!!!
Perspective is a funny thing. Mason and I giggled a little as we high-fived weight gain and a lower blood pressure! We giggled as we made plans for a black-tie affair we have next week. What will my hair style be? Will I still have hair? Do I don the wig? It was suggested today that perhaps I should sport a studded headdress.... Hmmmm.... Conversations and laughter can always be a part of your day, even in the craziness of cancer. Perspective. God makes all things possible.
My brother-in-law lost his mom today. But his perspective has made him able to praise our amazing God that she trusted in Jesus and that death is neither scary nor the end. For her or him. Perspective. Death is hard. It was not God's plan for us. But God gave us free will, and we chose poorly. So we have death in this world. But Jesus overcame the world, and defeated death! Hallelujah!!! One day, there will be no cancer. There will be no beautiful women donning unusual headpieces because cancer stole their shining hair that God so precisely placed on their carefully formed heads. Every tear will be wiped away, and all will be righted. A new heaven and a new earth, redeemed and just as it was before the fall!
Until then, we have Jesus. We have the Holy Spirit. We have beautiful sunsets and glorious mountains. We have the hope of more than this and the comfort of that hope. We can have peace, even in this fallen world. As a good Presbyterian I know the answer to the question "What is the chief end of man?" The chief end of man is to GLORIFY God and ENJOY Him forever. Perspective. There can always be joy when we know Christ. Revelation 21:1-5a
Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."
Amen!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
I Bought A Hat!
This is kind of a big deal. I think of the private battle I had almost five years ago over losing my hair and I rejoice today that I bought a hat! All by myself. No tears. No fears. No pity party. I bought a hat.
The last time it took Mason, Madi, and two of my very patient girlfriends. I very begrudgingly bought a wig in anticipation of the inevitable. Mason and Madi worked hard to make it fun. Mason discovered that God made a good decision (like He could do otherwise!) when He made me a redhead. Okay, it was kind of fun... We tried on all kinds of wigs. I smiled and put on a happy face, but I resented the reality that I was going to lose my hair. I resented the reality of chemotherapy. I resented the reality of surgery. I resented the reality of cancer.
I called on a couple of friends to come and help me with the final decision. It was not fun, and the darkness sure worked hard to discourage me. I needed God's army of saints, once again, to hold my hand and drag me through a necessary process. No joy. Only duty and obedience.
The first day I pulled out a handful of hair, Mason's response, with a big grin, was "Let's go buy hats!" We did. Nine of them. He made it as fun as he could with this hesitant partner. Again, I put on a happy face and tried to make the best of things.
That was good, that I tried to make the best of things. I persevered, begged God for peace, and took one step at a time. God was so merciful and gracious as He used His army to bring me around. Some of my most precious memories in my marriage are from those shopping sprees and Mason shaving my head. Funny how God does that!
But God wants, He deserves, more. He asks for me to count it all joy. He asks me to trust Him. Fully. He is worthy. Worthy of so much more than I could ever give. Yet all He asks of me is to give Him the best I have and the best I am. He wants all of me. Joyfully and willingly. Why wouldn't He?
Today I know Him better. I have seen His glory in great and powerful ways, and I am leaning on Him. Fully. I take comfort in knowing that so many prayers are being lifted on my behalf. I love the way my children are encouraging me as they trust their Savior with their fears and my healing. I am thankful for Mason and that I have such an amazing and supportive partner in this battle and life journey. God has been, and continues to be, so very good to me.
I am especially thankful that God is more than enough for me. I am thankful that He is my exceedingly great reward, and that He has planted that in my heart. I am thankful that He is my Strong-tower. You see, if I am going to tell His story, I have to fully trust in Him. He has to be my refuge and strength. I love how He used the body to bring me closer to Him. I love how He has called the body today to lift me in prayer and send me words of encouragement. I also love how He used that dark time and these crazy last few months to remove the dross of fear and refine me for this battle. It has to be Him. And it is. I, joyfully, bought a hat!
Psalm 18:31-32
For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
The last time it took Mason, Madi, and two of my very patient girlfriends. I very begrudgingly bought a wig in anticipation of the inevitable. Mason and Madi worked hard to make it fun. Mason discovered that God made a good decision (like He could do otherwise!) when He made me a redhead. Okay, it was kind of fun... We tried on all kinds of wigs. I smiled and put on a happy face, but I resented the reality that I was going to lose my hair. I resented the reality of chemotherapy. I resented the reality of surgery. I resented the reality of cancer.I called on a couple of friends to come and help me with the final decision. It was not fun, and the darkness sure worked hard to discourage me. I needed God's army of saints, once again, to hold my hand and drag me through a necessary process. No joy. Only duty and obedience.
The first day I pulled out a handful of hair, Mason's response, with a big grin, was "Let's go buy hats!" We did. Nine of them. He made it as fun as he could with this hesitant partner. Again, I put on a happy face and tried to make the best of things.
That was good, that I tried to make the best of things. I persevered, begged God for peace, and took one step at a time. God was so merciful and gracious as He used His army to bring me around. Some of my most precious memories in my marriage are from those shopping sprees and Mason shaving my head. Funny how God does that!
But God wants, He deserves, more. He asks for me to count it all joy. He asks me to trust Him. Fully. He is worthy. Worthy of so much more than I could ever give. Yet all He asks of me is to give Him the best I have and the best I am. He wants all of me. Joyfully and willingly. Why wouldn't He?
Today I know Him better. I have seen His glory in great and powerful ways, and I am leaning on Him. Fully. I take comfort in knowing that so many prayers are being lifted on my behalf. I love the way my children are encouraging me as they trust their Savior with their fears and my healing. I am thankful for Mason and that I have such an amazing and supportive partner in this battle and life journey. God has been, and continues to be, so very good to me.
I am especially thankful that God is more than enough for me. I am thankful that He is my exceedingly great reward, and that He has planted that in my heart. I am thankful that He is my Strong-tower. You see, if I am going to tell His story, I have to fully trust in Him. He has to be my refuge and strength. I love how He used the body to bring me closer to Him. I love how He has called the body today to lift me in prayer and send me words of encouragement. I also love how He used that dark time and these crazy last few months to remove the dross of fear and refine me for this battle. It has to be Him. And it is. I, joyfully, bought a hat!
Psalm 18:31-32
For who is God, except the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
Monday, May 12, 2014
This Is Who I Know
Sorry to be so late with this. Today went very well, I feel great and had no allergic or adverse reaction to the chemo! Praising my Father for that! Today the hospital and Huntsman Cancer Institute launched a new computer system for both facilities in full. Needless to say, they had problems. My two hour infusion turned into six... When we finally got labs, drugs, and poison, all went according to plans!
I had a great weekend. We hiked and did things around the house. I have such peace and calm, I'm not even sure how to handle it. I'm a worrier, I think God is winning on this sanctification promise! I know we have a long road, and I'm sure there will be battles along the way. I feel ready, and I know God will sustain me. I love the book of Isaiah. There are so many treasures that come from it. This weekend I spent a lot of time just looking at God, remembering all He has done, who He is. I have a Savior who is personal, real, and knows intimately everything I am feeling. He has walked this earth perfectly so He could be compassionate toward you and me. Does that register? Amazing love, how can it be, that You, my King would die for me????
So, today as I sat at the infusion center with a beautiful view, I went through Isaiah and wrote down some things I know about God from these passages. There were too many to list, I tried! Read the book, trust me! Here is a list I made from my mini study as a cancer patient today. I hope you are braver, more confident, and inspired as you go through it. READ ISAIAH!!!!!
My God is....
Forgiving Savior
though my sins are as scarlet;
I am washed white as snow by the blood of the Lamb!
Holy, Holy, Holy
Righteous Judge
Glorious
King of Kings
Wonderful Counselor
Lord of Lords
Mighty God
Everlasting Joy
Eternal Father
Creator of Heaven and Earth
Prince of Peace
Alpha and Omega
Comforter
Jealous
Trustworthy
THE God
Exalted
My Redeemer
Faithful
Humble
Sovereign
Love
Defender of the helpless
Merciful
My Refuge
The God of Angel Armies
My Everlasting Rock
Ever Present
Steadfast
Healer
Gracious
Compassionate
Giver and Sustainer of Life
Kind
And so much more....
I had a great weekend. We hiked and did things around the house. I have such peace and calm, I'm not even sure how to handle it. I'm a worrier, I think God is winning on this sanctification promise! I know we have a long road, and I'm sure there will be battles along the way. I feel ready, and I know God will sustain me. I love the book of Isaiah. There are so many treasures that come from it. This weekend I spent a lot of time just looking at God, remembering all He has done, who He is. I have a Savior who is personal, real, and knows intimately everything I am feeling. He has walked this earth perfectly so He could be compassionate toward you and me. Does that register? Amazing love, how can it be, that You, my King would die for me????
So, today as I sat at the infusion center with a beautiful view, I went through Isaiah and wrote down some things I know about God from these passages. There were too many to list, I tried! Read the book, trust me! Here is a list I made from my mini study as a cancer patient today. I hope you are braver, more confident, and inspired as you go through it. READ ISAIAH!!!!!
My God is....
Forgiving Savior
though my sins are as scarlet;
I am washed white as snow by the blood of the Lamb!
Holy, Holy, Holy
Righteous Judge
Glorious
King of Kings
Wonderful Counselor
Lord of Lords
Mighty God
Everlasting Joy
Eternal Father
Creator of Heaven and Earth
Prince of Peace
Alpha and Omega
Comforter
Jealous
Trustworthy
THE God
Exalted
My Redeemer
Faithful
Humble
Sovereign
Love
Defender of the helpless
Merciful
My Refuge
The God of Angel Armies
My Everlasting Rock
Ever Present
Steadfast
Healer
Gracious
Compassionate
Giver and Sustainer of Life
Kind
And so much more....
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Preparing For Battle
Okay, so the news today was not great...
The cancer seems to have spread. The biopsy from the endoscopy was not ready today, but the doctor is certain it is cancer. The scans have all been"inconclusive", but the pattern of what lobular breast cancer does is apparent. The doctor said that the biopsy results will not change his prescribed course of treatment either way. So, here we go again. Ready for battle. I will have twelve treatments, one a week for twelve weeks. I will see the doctor every three weeks, and have a ct scan every three months. If all is well, then I will continue with hormone therapy, just with a different drug.
I'm asking for prayer. Prayer that the cancer responds to the chemo. Prayer that I do not experience any adverse side effects. Prayer that I remain strong and able to take every treatment on time. Prayer for my children. I know it seems strange to call them children, but they are precious to me and their mother is ill. Please pray that they trust in the amazing God that they serve, that they never doubt His sovereign presence and His faithful love. Prayer that I am a willing servant, a broken vessel for His good purposes. Prayer that He is glorified in every step of this process. My joy and peace are from Him. My strength is from Him. He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.
I want to talk about the elephant in the room. I am very frustrated that my doctor in Charlotte let this go so far. Mason said we are to be thankful that God brought us out here and gave me issues that caused me to persevere and seek the doctor here. My sister told me that it is a gift that I have been in this beautiful place and seen His glory so vividly for these last several months. I know Him more and trust Him more deeply. I am thankful that while I am frustrated, I am not angry. None of this is a surprise to my Father, and I have a Savior battling for me. I will trust Him, no matter how confused or dazed I may have felt this afternoon. He is faithful, He is everything. Cancer doesn't change that.
Today as I was driving in to Salt Lake City for my appointment I was playing the Passion cd "Take It All". It put my focus on my King and off of my circumstances. Another gift that the cd has come out during this crazy few weeks! One song on there brought me to my knees and reminded me of what matters.
At The Cross (Love Ran Red)
There is a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There's a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down
At the cross, at the cross
I surrender my life
I'm in awe of You
I'm in awe of You
Where Your love ran red
And my sin washed white
I owe all to You
I owe all to you, Jesus
There's a place where sin and shame are powerless
Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down
Here
My hope is found
Here
On Holy ground
Here I bow down
Here I bow down
Here
Arms open wide
Here
Arms open wide
Here
You saved my life
Here I bow down
Here I bow down
So thankful for peace that passes all understanding. So thankful for a Savior Who is real and personal. So thankful that there is more than this. So thankful that I do not battle alone.
I leave tonight with a verse that God gave me the first day the doctor found the mass in my abdomen. He is always here...
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
And in Him, I can.
The cancer seems to have spread. The biopsy from the endoscopy was not ready today, but the doctor is certain it is cancer. The scans have all been"inconclusive", but the pattern of what lobular breast cancer does is apparent. The doctor said that the biopsy results will not change his prescribed course of treatment either way. So, here we go again. Ready for battle. I will have twelve treatments, one a week for twelve weeks. I will see the doctor every three weeks, and have a ct scan every three months. If all is well, then I will continue with hormone therapy, just with a different drug.
I'm asking for prayer. Prayer that the cancer responds to the chemo. Prayer that I do not experience any adverse side effects. Prayer that I remain strong and able to take every treatment on time. Prayer for my children. I know it seems strange to call them children, but they are precious to me and their mother is ill. Please pray that they trust in the amazing God that they serve, that they never doubt His sovereign presence and His faithful love. Prayer that I am a willing servant, a broken vessel for His good purposes. Prayer that He is glorified in every step of this process. My joy and peace are from Him. My strength is from Him. He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.
I want to talk about the elephant in the room. I am very frustrated that my doctor in Charlotte let this go so far. Mason said we are to be thankful that God brought us out here and gave me issues that caused me to persevere and seek the doctor here. My sister told me that it is a gift that I have been in this beautiful place and seen His glory so vividly for these last several months. I know Him more and trust Him more deeply. I am thankful that while I am frustrated, I am not angry. None of this is a surprise to my Father, and I have a Savior battling for me. I will trust Him, no matter how confused or dazed I may have felt this afternoon. He is faithful, He is everything. Cancer doesn't change that.
Today as I was driving in to Salt Lake City for my appointment I was playing the Passion cd "Take It All". It put my focus on my King and off of my circumstances. Another gift that the cd has come out during this crazy few weeks! One song on there brought me to my knees and reminded me of what matters.
At The Cross (Love Ran Red)
There is a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There's a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down
At the cross, at the cross
I surrender my life
I'm in awe of You
I'm in awe of You
Where Your love ran red
And my sin washed white
I owe all to You
I owe all to you, Jesus
There's a place where sin and shame are powerless
Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down
Here
My hope is found
Here
On Holy ground
Here I bow down
Here I bow down
Here
Arms open wide
Here
Arms open wide
Here
You saved my life
Here I bow down
Here I bow down
So thankful for peace that passes all understanding. So thankful for a Savior Who is real and personal. So thankful that there is more than this. So thankful that I do not battle alone.
I leave tonight with a verse that God gave me the first day the doctor found the mass in my abdomen. He is always here...
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
And in Him, I can.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Meltdown On The Mountain
I'm telling this story to show my brokenness. It is important for me to be transparent, it is important to know that God loves a sinner, this sinner. My faith can be so weak, but He always rescues and redeems.
Saturday we were driving home from California. Our plan was to stop at Zion National Park and go for a hike. I shared with you that anxiety was creeping in, and I really did not want to hike. Not sure what I wanted, but it was not to hike. Mason, however, was just as certain that a hike was exactly what I needed! So we hiked. We had not eaten much, I didn't have much of an appetite. It was late afternoon and we grabbed water and off we went. It was hot. I was grumpy. Off we went. I felt weak, Mason kept pushing. How far are we going? To there... The. Very. Top.
Sure you can. Come on.
I felt so weak. I felt like such a victim. I hate cancer. I can't fight. I'm tired.
Then God showed me this.
I can do this. One step at a time. Don't look at the big picture that is filled with unknowns. Look at today, right now. One step at a time.
I can do this. Climb. Harder. Faster. I have to do this. If I don't make it to the top today, I can't fight cancer. Feeling weak.... Have to push.
Mason is giving out. No! We have to go farther. Mason is getting dizzy. It's past dinner and lunch was a very long time ago.... No! We have to keep pushing. I feel sick, but I can not stop. If I can't do this, I can't fight cancer. We have to keep pushing. Mason sits down. He is dizzy.... Done.
No! I. Have. To. Keep. Going. I sit down about ten feet higher than Mason. He says we have to turn around now. We had a good hike. Meltdown. Full on. I'm hysterical. Crying and hyperventilating. Mason can't even get to me. If I can't do this how can I fight cancer? I can't quit.... Mason tries to reason that he quit, not me. I cry.
Eventually I had exhausted my emotions and went back down the mountain.
You see, I don't have to fight cancer. Jesus will do that. It is not up to me. This is His battle, and He will win. What that victory will look like is not clear to me right now, but He will be victorious. He will be glorified. I love Him and continue to sing His praises. He calms me when I get crazy. He loves me and is with me through the fire. It's okay to get crazy, that crying episode was cleansing for my body. Holding everything in, putting on a brave face is no faith. Letting it go, giving it to Him, crying out for Him in the darkest moments; that is faith.
In the Matthew passage I shared with you, Peter was not the hero. Jesus was. Peter answered the call, he climbed out of the boat. Then he got scared. He cried out to Jesus, and He immediately saved Peter. They climbed into the boat and everyone worshipped Jesus as they realized He is the Son of God. Hallelujah!!!
They didn't celebrate Peter for obeying the call, or even for walking on water. They celebrated Jesus. Apart from Jesus, we are nothing. That is our call, the purpose of our life in this temporary place, to make much of Him.
The initial findings of the endosopy were not good news. So I will wait for the biopsy results. I will persevere through chemotherapy and whatever the next step is. I will look to my Savior, trusting my Father. I will cry out to Him in my weakness, and surrender all to Him. He is my exceedingly great reward. Cancer, and any other evil, cannot steal that from me.
Isaiah 32:17
And the work of righteousness will be peace, and the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
The Week Ahead
This past week Mason and I got to spend some time in California on the beautiful coastline just outside of Los Angeles. One of the ladies we were with spoke of how crazy it was to be in such a beautiful setting, yet we were basically in LA. I was so very thankful to be in such a setting as I received the disappointing news from my oncologist. I was surrounded by God's beautiful creation and comforted as I was reminded in so many ways of His majesty and glory. What have I to fear in the hands of such a Creator? How can I even process that this God, THE God, loves me so much that He even knows the number of hairs in my head…. What?!!!!
As we leave California to head back to Utah, the beauty of the mountains is clouded by the smog and dirt of this world. His beauty is still there, just clouded and not as vivid. Unfortunately,, the enemy is trying to cloud my clarity of my Savior, who I have come to know so intimately. Who has proven, over and over again, His love and faithfulness. This world is broken, riddled with disease and heartache. All that tries to put a haze over who He is, and who we are in Him. My brain is focussing on the biopsy on Tuesday and all of the unknowns. I am committed to focus on Him, and what I know. I know He loves me more than I can even process. I know that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that my ways are not His ways, nor are my thoughts His thoughts. I know that He is good, all the time. I know I can trust Him with this life that is not mine, but is His. As I remember who He is, seek His face, dig into His Word and claim His promises, my peace is restored.
Matthew 14:25-33
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.
But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid."
And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."
So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"
And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
Then those who were in the boat came and worshiped Him, saying, "Truly You are the Son of God."
I want to trust Him. If I am going to say "Here am I", I'm going to have to have faith in the battle. I know my fear breaks His heart, but not His love for me. I am determined to focus so intently on His face that I do not notice the boisterous wind. He has it! So I will trust Him with the outcome of Tuesday's biopsy. His grace is sufficient. He has this!
As we leave California to head back to Utah, the beauty of the mountains is clouded by the smog and dirt of this world. His beauty is still there, just clouded and not as vivid. Unfortunately,, the enemy is trying to cloud my clarity of my Savior, who I have come to know so intimately. Who has proven, over and over again, His love and faithfulness. This world is broken, riddled with disease and heartache. All that tries to put a haze over who He is, and who we are in Him. My brain is focussing on the biopsy on Tuesday and all of the unknowns. I am committed to focus on Him, and what I know. I know He loves me more than I can even process. I know that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that my ways are not His ways, nor are my thoughts His thoughts. I know that He is good, all the time. I know I can trust Him with this life that is not mine, but is His. As I remember who He is, seek His face, dig into His Word and claim His promises, my peace is restored.
Matthew 14:25-33
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying "It is a ghost!" And they cried out for fear.
But immediately Jesus spoke to them saying, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid."
And Peter answered Him and said, "Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."
So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!"
And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
Then those who were in the boat came and worshiped Him, saying, "Truly You are the Son of God."
I want to trust Him. If I am going to say "Here am I", I'm going to have to have faith in the battle. I know my fear breaks His heart, but not His love for me. I am determined to focus so intently on His face that I do not notice the boisterous wind. He has it! So I will trust Him with the outcome of Tuesday's biopsy. His grace is sufficient. He has this!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
A Bump In The Road
Okay, prayer warriors, here we go again....
I received word today that it is necessary for me to begin a new round of chemotherapy. I have been on quite a journey, and God has dealt much with me. Now here we are. I will know more next week, but for now I will receive my first of six treatments on Monday, May 12. Only one drug this time, not the three I had before, and one treatment a week. After that I will continue with hormone therapy, obviously with a different drug!
Mason and I are well, we really have peace in this. For a year and a half there have been little things that have raised concerns, the doctor always says "we'll keep an eye on it". At my last annual physical there were more concerns, more tests, more scans. Finally, my case was presented to a breast cancer review board that recommended this treatment plan. Both the oncologist here and the one in Charlotte are in agreement.
Mason Thomas is very far away, so please pray extra for him, but the kids are well and I am so very thankful for their faith. I am thankful for a Saviout who is personal and attentive. I am thankful for my God who is Healer, awesome in power. I am thankful that I don't have to be afraid, and that I am not. God has shown me much in the last five years, He has carried me when I could not walk. He has never abandoned me, and He never will. I am thankful that I hear His voice and know that all of this has been sifted through His hands. I ask for healing, and trust Him with all my tomorrows.
Isaiah 6:8. Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying
"Whom shall I send,
And who will go for us?"
Then I said, "Here am I, send me"....
This is tiny compared to what Isaiah was called to, but it is big to me. What is the same is that Isaiah had just seen the glory of the Holy, Holy, Holy God. His unclean lips had been purified, his iniquity was removed. He went because he trusted in all that he had just witnessed. He went because he was chosen by God, and prepared and equipped by God for this call. Five years ago I did not go willingly, yet my merciful Jesus carried me and tenderly held me through the fire. Today I know Him better, and trust Him more. I have asked Him to take this cup from me. He said no. So now I say, Here am I.
God is good, all the time. His strength is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. So I will cling to my Saviour and walk through this fire as I look upon His face. He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.
Please pray, again, for the Vincent family. I will continue to tell His story as I journey through this new chapter. So thankful for Him....
I received word today that it is necessary for me to begin a new round of chemotherapy. I have been on quite a journey, and God has dealt much with me. Now here we are. I will know more next week, but for now I will receive my first of six treatments on Monday, May 12. Only one drug this time, not the three I had before, and one treatment a week. After that I will continue with hormone therapy, obviously with a different drug!
Mason and I are well, we really have peace in this. For a year and a half there have been little things that have raised concerns, the doctor always says "we'll keep an eye on it". At my last annual physical there were more concerns, more tests, more scans. Finally, my case was presented to a breast cancer review board that recommended this treatment plan. Both the oncologist here and the one in Charlotte are in agreement.
Mason Thomas is very far away, so please pray extra for him, but the kids are well and I am so very thankful for their faith. I am thankful for a Saviout who is personal and attentive. I am thankful for my God who is Healer, awesome in power. I am thankful that I don't have to be afraid, and that I am not. God has shown me much in the last five years, He has carried me when I could not walk. He has never abandoned me, and He never will. I am thankful that I hear His voice and know that all of this has been sifted through His hands. I ask for healing, and trust Him with all my tomorrows.
Isaiah 6:8. Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying
"Whom shall I send,
And who will go for us?"
Then I said, "Here am I, send me"....
This is tiny compared to what Isaiah was called to, but it is big to me. What is the same is that Isaiah had just seen the glory of the Holy, Holy, Holy God. His unclean lips had been purified, his iniquity was removed. He went because he trusted in all that he had just witnessed. He went because he was chosen by God, and prepared and equipped by God for this call. Five years ago I did not go willingly, yet my merciful Jesus carried me and tenderly held me through the fire. Today I know Him better, and trust Him more. I have asked Him to take this cup from me. He said no. So now I say, Here am I.
God is good, all the time. His strength is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. So I will cling to my Saviour and walk through this fire as I look upon His face. He is my shield, my exceedingly great reward.
Please pray, again, for the Vincent family. I will continue to tell His story as I journey through this new chapter. So thankful for Him....
Monday, July 26, 2010
Our God is Healer
We are overjoyed to share our praises with all of you! My PET scan showed no cancer any where! The CT scan showed the same lesions as previously, still unchanged. Dr. Limentani had told me that the routine for a while would be quarterly PET scans, but with this scan, he is confident to only order a CT scan in three months. We can order a PET scan at that time, he said, if the CT scan shows anything he is concerned about.
WOW!!!
I have no words, just praising, resting, and trusting Him with tomorrow. The joy I feel right now would not be the same if He had not shown me through this journey that my trust is in Him. Period. Not in Him if I get the news I desire. Today I am thankful for His good news, His healing, and His faithfulness. Mason Thomas shared a passage with me a few months ago. It is a little long, but appropriate for today. Thank you for your prayers, and join us as we shout His praises from the roof top! Love to you all!
1 Corinthians 1:8-11 "For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many."
Please join the Vincent family, as we give thanks to our merciful, sovereign God.
WOW!!!
I have no words, just praising, resting, and trusting Him with tomorrow. The joy I feel right now would not be the same if He had not shown me through this journey that my trust is in Him. Period. Not in Him if I get the news I desire. Today I am thankful for His good news, His healing, and His faithfulness. Mason Thomas shared a passage with me a few months ago. It is a little long, but appropriate for today. Thank you for your prayers, and join us as we shout His praises from the roof top! Love to you all!
1 Corinthians 1:8-11 "For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many."
Please join the Vincent family, as we give thanks to our merciful, sovereign God.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Trusting
I am sitting here quietly, listening to some worship music and waiting for Mason to get home. I wasn't going to post until I saw Dr. Limentani tomorrow. I have had quite a week of wrestling with God and slowly turning all of my fears over to him. I feel like I have been here before, and being the sinner that I am, I will probably be here again. But I have been given a couple of verses this week that have been very freeing (I'm not sure that is a word, but it works here!) and I want to share them. You see, I have to have faith that trusts God not only for the outcome I desire. That is a crazy faith that keeps me paralyzed with fear. I have to trust God. I can and I should, He is my everything. He has the big picture, not just the little tiny image I can see. He is faithful, I have personally experienced that my whole life and in a very special way over this past year. I am not His advisor and I am so thankful that He does not need or desire my advice. He loves me perfectly, and I am here for His glory. One day all of this will make sense to me, and I have a feeling I won't even want to ask any questions. For today, I am thankful for today. I am thankful to know such a beautiful savior who has restored me to such an amazing God. I have been touched in a special way by three of my pastors this week, that is a lot of special attention! It is such a comfort to know that God sends His army when I am so weak. Today one of the special touches was in the form of the prayer time in the service where he spoke of trusting God and the sin of not trusting. The verses I am sharing are from a Beth Moore book; I have needed a wide variety of soldiers! Mason has just walked in, so I will leave you with these verses and a promise to share what I find out tomorrow. Again, thank you for your love and prayers. Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Psalm 112:7-8 "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes."
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Reminders.
I am doing well and for the most part am living very normal day to day. If I still have cancer, it is not affecting my life apart from occaisional reminders. I have many hotflashes that remind me of the toll cancer and the treatment have had on my body. I am very flat-chested! Sometimes my port, which has been surgically implanted in my chest for infusions, is uncomfortable. Once a month I go to the infusion center for a Zometa treatment. Pink ribbons. Charlotte Radiology calling to schedule a PET Scan for July 19. That one has caused me a lot of restless fear. I hate that, I don't know why it has such a stronghold on me. Please pray for me, for the results of the scan to be great, and for my peace to be such that God is glorified. I see the oncologist on July 26, the week after my scan, to get the results. I have been surrounded by several people who have received devastating news of cancer. It is always difficult, my heart aches for each of them in a very deep way that only my personal experience can bring. As I am writing this I am reminded of my beautiful Savior, who knows every hurt in that same deep way because He has experienced it, and because He loves us so. I am so blessed and so very thankful for the hope I have in Christ Jesus, and for the love and grace I have so powerfully experienced throughout this journey. He owes me nothing, yet He gives me everything. I have learned so much and I wish sometimes that I could shout from the rooftops so all could hear of how God has so tenderly shown His grace and mercy. For now, I leave you with this verse as I continue to ask for your faithful love and prayers. Jesus speaking, John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Cancer Survivor
This past Friday was "National Cancer Survivor Day". On the last day of my radiation Mason called me as I was leaving the parking garage and congratulated me on no longer being a cancer patient. My new title, he said, is "cancer survivor". I hit the road running after radiation. I have been crazy busy and very happy to have the normal chaos of being Mason's wife and the mother of four mostly adult children! Mason Thomas is heading to Ohio tomorrow. He is grabbing Alex and heading to Cedar Pointe for some roller coaster thrills, then bringing her home for the summer. We got the stage 4 diagnosis only three days before she was leaving for Ohio State to begin her freshman year. That seems like such a long time ago and I am indescribably thankful that there is much joy and laughter associated with her return for summer break. Everyone is settled and relaxed, the tension and concern for Mom is subsided, and we are resting. I take a pill daily and an infusion every four weeks to address the effects of cancer on my bones. I am feeling well, normal really. Trusting God as I continue to not know what tomorrow brings but abide in Him day to day. If I sound like I have it together, believe me, I do not. I wrestle with crazy thoughts, sometimes day to day, sometimes minute to minute, sometimes less. I do, however, have a Savior who loves me and holds me tight; and ALWAYS brings me back. He has placed me among so many amazing people who have loved me so very much. I am thankful for Mason, Jillian, Mason Thomas, Alex, and Madi; for my girlfriends!; for StoneBridge, and for the prayers and love of so many people in so many places. I have a scan in late July and then I will see the oncologist for the results. Until then, we are asking and trusting for complete healing. Please continue to pray for us, for peace and for healing. Sunday night the Pastor spoke on anxiety. I had been looking for a verse to share with this post, and God gave it to me then. (Thanks Kevin!) Philippians 4:4 - 7 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and you minds in Christ Jesus."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Abiding...
Tomorrow is my last full radiation, I have completed 27 of 28! After my treatment tomorrow they will do the set-up for next week, five treatments that they call "boost" for the scars. The radiation will be concentrated on the scars from surgery, as studies show that the cancer likes to hide in that tissue. Next Friday I will be completely finished with the aggressive parts of my oncologist's treatment plan. The doctor I saw today is new to me, my doctor is on vacation, and said he was amazed at how well I am doing. He said that he was expecting my chest to be far worse at this point of my therapy. I am very pink and a little irritated in areas, but I am not miserable and not blistering. I am so thankful for all of your prayers on my behalf, and for the loving protection God has graced me with. I am feeling great, and very appreciative! As this final phase of my treatment comes to a close I confess to a tapestry of emotions. I am thankful for how I have been truly carried through this by the love of so many and by the grace of my Lord. Mason has been incredible through this and I am speechless at how this horrible disease has brought so much blessing to our marriage. Jillian, Mason Thomas, Ally, and Madi have been blessed by so many of you, as they have watched the body of Christ in such an intimate way. They have been strengthened in their faith as they have fully surrendered to their Savior who has beautifully revealed Himself to each of them in such special and unique ways. I wish I knew what tomorrow will bring, but I do not. I have learned much over these past months and surrender is at the top of the very long list. I have been really thinking on what it is to abide in the Lord. The stained glass image in the radiation room of the branch and vines has sent me to John 15, and each day I lay on that table I ponder God's word. That has been 27 days of pondering! I wish I had something profound to share with you, but I really don't. I have a peace and a joy that is quiet but real. I don't know how to describe it and I am certainly not a theologian, but to me abiding in the Lord means that I am ok not knowing what tomorrow will bring. His love is sufficient and perfect and I can trust Him with tomorrow. Understanding that love and trusting in it does not come easy to this child of a restless alcoholic, but as I abide in Him, that love is finally freeing me in a way I thought was not possible for me. Thank you for hanging with me on this very long and crazy journey, and for letting me share my thoughts with you as I learn and grow. Your prayers and support have been powerful and have meant so very much to the Vincent family! Please continue to pray for us as we continue in this battle, pray that the doctors will be blown away at the healing power of our amazing God! John 15:9 "Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love."
Monday, April 5, 2010
Normal...
We are doing well, settling in to a new normal. I have completed nine radiation treatments, it is really two weeks and today started my third. I am feeling great, probably the best I have felt in a long time, certainly since before the cancer diagnosis. I have hair growing back, not ready to lose the wig yet, but it is definitely more than stubs. I shaved my legs on Thursday for the first time since September! Not because I have gotten lazy or suddenly French, but because there has been nothing there to shave since the first chemo treatment! I was very excited, but I cut my leg so I guess I am a little rusty. My enthusiasm was a little crushed today when I realized that I really need to shave again! Thankful for normal! On the subject of returning hair, I plucked my eyebrows and put on mascara for Thursday night! I have not had eyebrows or eyelashes for a few months. My eyelashes are short, but they are there! Thankful for normal. I ironed on Thursday! I know, I'm strange. I am probably the last American standing who still irons, but I do and I like that Mason has nicely ironed clothes to choose from hanging in his closet. I haven't had the energy to do this chore and Mason irons as he needs. It was a great victory for me to do laundry last week and return the 'ironing' basket empty to it's proper place...sad but thrilling! Thankful for normal! It has been a special gift from God that there has been so much victory in the little things during this special time for Christ followers called Holy Week. As I have wrestled so much with God over these last few months, struggling to completely surrender as I completely trust in Him, this week has been a sweet reminder of all that I have in Him and how amazing His love is for me. I serve a risen Savior who has defeated even death and has so much more for us than the here and now of this world. Today I am thankful for His amazing grace. John 11:25 "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.' "
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Doing better...
This has been an interesting week. I am glad to have one week of radiation behind me! The treatment on Friday only took about twenty minutes, much improved over the two and a half hours on Monday! They seem to have everything figured out and lined up properly, so maybe the twenty minutes will be my new normal. Normal seems to be a moving target these days. Mason and I were at Home Depot a couple of weeks ago and the lady helping us asked if I was still in chemo or had recently finished. I was wearing a warm up and a hat, no wig that day. The bald and breastless thing was very apparent. This woman spent a long time talking to us, she had been through ovarian cancer a few years ago. When Mason and I left we both were wondering how she knew I had been through chemo! Mason looked at me and we started cracking up, he said it was pretty crazy when this is normal! I have not been feeling well for a couple of weeks, just tired and achy. Thursday I started running a fever and having shivers. It would come and go, I thought maybe I just needed to slow down and rest. Friday I didn't feel great and by the time I went to bed last night I had the shivers again. After the girls went to bed I checked my temperature and it was 103.6. When I got up this morning it was 102, I thought I was improving. Soon I had the shivers again and my temperature was between 104 and 105. Dr. Limentani sent me to the emergency room. They were very good about protecting me from germs, and about protecting my arms. It turns out I have either a UTI or a kidney infection. My new normal has been feeling sluggish, I guess I need to pay better attention! Thank you to all of my prayer warrior girl friends who rallied today when Madi put out the call for help. I am so blessed. Mason is in Martinsville this week, it was very hard for him not to be here today. I just spoke with him and he said it is 100% chance of rain tomorrow. I have a treatment on Monday and an appointment with Dr. Limentani. There is nothing major happening, he really is not doing any new treatment until after radiation. I still hope that Mason can be there. If you read this before race time tomorrow, please pray for God to hold the rain in Martinsville. Today I am thankful for my beautiful daughters who love me and are always there, and for my girl friends, and always for Mason. Today was a reminder to me of how God has protected me so much throughout. My body is being put through a lot, and I have experienced amazing grace as I have come through everything so well. Thank you all, once again, for your continued prayer. Isaiah 26:4 "Trust in the LORD forever, for in YAH, the LORD, is everlasting strength."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Radiation: The Sequel
I received my first radiation treatment today. It was not uneventful; I am receiving a lot of radiation and they are, thankfully, being meticulous in the angles and numbers. I was there for over two hours yesterday, and for about two hours today. I laid on the table with my arms over my head holding on to a bar, as they arranged the machine, took xrays, and rearranged the machine. They are trying to cover all the areas I need to be covered, and still protect my heart and lungs. My chest has so many drawings on it, I look like I am wearing a treasure map! I am doing well; Mason asked me if I was scared. I really wasn't. The ceiling in the room where I will receive my treatment everyday has a stained glass art above the table where I lay. Yesterday, as I was settling in on the table with all of the instructions and gadgets surrounding me, I looked up and could see, peaking out around the big machine directly above me, a branch and vines. I was so thankful for the calming reminder from my Savior that He is with me always. (John 15:5) After about thirty minutes or more, the big machine moved to the side a little, and straight ahead of me was a beautiful butterfly, in garnet and gold! (for those who know me well, you get the personal touch via the FSU reminder!) Mason and I did a Bible study called the 'Truth Project' last year. The leader spoke of times in his life of trials or wrestling with God as being in a cocoon and struggling to get out. What emerges after that intense struggle is a beautiful butterfly. It is my prayer that this journey, which I have struggled so much in, will graciously free me as a beautiful butterfly; free to joyfully trust and serve my God, beautifully equipped for whatever He calls me to. Today I am thankful for the wonderful privilege of knowing my Savior and being able to turn to Him in complete trust. I am thankful for His hand in all of this, that is guiding the beams of light to the cancer cells while He protects what is good. I am thankful for the many prayers from all of you, and many more, for me and my family. I am thankful for God's obvious presence in Jillian, Mason Thomas, Ally, and Madi. I am thankful for Mason and for his unwavering love and support, for his calm in all of my chaos. I am blessed by his faith when mine is weak. Please continue to pray for my children, for Mason, and for my peace and healing. Please pray for the radiation, for the precise set up and for it to do it's job, for the wisdom and focus of the doctor and the staff who will be working with me. Also, please continue to pray for Dr. Limentani, as he makes decisions about my continued treatment. Thank you all for hanging in there with us on this very long journey. 1 Timothy 1:12 "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service."
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